Realizing I have no one

I’m not a perfect person. I realize that. I know that I’ve made mistakes. I’m not the “sweetest” or the “cutest” like some people think I am. I don’t really have any real friends. Theres no one that I have that I can text all the time who I know will respond or theres no one that I know is always free and down to hang out and maybe go kick it at the beach and eat some frozen yogurt. This whole entire week I’ve been trying to plan things with friends and either no one answers there phone or they are all on vacation or they just say oh sorry I’m busy and never talk to me again. I texted this one girl that I was friends with since preschool and she said “Yeah when I get back from my vacation I’ll text you!” She’s been back for about a week, she posts stuff on instagram of her going out with friends and watching movies and things. I ate lunch with her during the school year and I was always trying to reach out to her but she always just wasn’t including me and would make plans with her other friends while I was sitting right there. We had one sleepover this year and she spent most of it on her phone. I kept texting and inviting her to go do something over winter break and even sent her a merry christmas text and nothing. Only I know she got it because she posts on instagram several times a day. I texted another friend who’s in Mexico, another friend who’s always buys going to parties or hanging out with her band, another friend that was in cross country and track with me, I texted Amanda but she’s just so busy with her boyfriend and I feel like she’s mad or trying to avoid me or something, and the last person I texted is always busy with her dance team.

It probably my fault. Maybe its karma or maybe its because when I’m depressed I push people away so maybe they’ve decided its time to cut me off too. Everyone is out living there lives and doing something interesting or creating something and I’m here in my pajamas locked in my room at 1:23 in the afternoon. I went through all my contacts and realized that most of these people were people that I hadn’t talked to in years and am not friends with anymore. They’ve all moved on with there lives and I’m left behind. I know this sounds dramatic, just because I couldn’t do anything with anyone for a week but I’ve felt this way for years. I always am the one having to reach out to do things with people, and when they agree I feel like its just because they have nothing better to do.

Yesterday after Sam was screaming at me for the whole giving away the stuffed animal thing I just left the house. I was wishing that I had someone ANYONE to go to and just talk to and there was no one. My Dad doesn’t care, I told him all about it and he knows how hard she is on me and he just doesn’t want to get involved. So I walked all the way down to the beach, got some take out dinner, and walked back. I got a lot of looks from people driving. I was seriously the only one walking. They were probably wondering why I was alone and if I had any friends. I’m just so socially awkward that whenever I try to meet new people I kind of just shut down and close myself off, even to people that I’ve known for a while. I try to act all happy and bubbly whenever I do see “friends” but then I just feel fake because my hearts not in it and its never been. I’ve been depressed for 3 years. I know that sounds so weak and stupid but its true. Anyways so I left. And while I was walking I was thinking about everything and nothing. Theres just no point. Theres nothing special or unique about me, I have zero talent in anything. I’m too needy and too sad and too ugly and too dumb and just too much of everything to ever have any worth.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way and trying to change it and it never getting better. And I’m sorry if this is annoying to anyone or if you feel like I’m too whiny or something. You can just unfollow me if you want. Its not like anyone is even going to care though, lets be honest. And no, this isn’t for attention. This is how I feel. I started this blog so I could write down how I was feeling and everything going on in my life.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if you have any real friends, never ever let them go.

I’m also sorry for posting so much, I’m just really fucking lonely.

Stressed Out, Weight, And Loneliness

This is the second time in a row I’ve cried so hard at night that my face is all puffy and red and my eyes are all watery and red rimmed. It’s not cute, let me tell you. I do not have a cute crying face. My Dad’s stressing me out so much. He’s always yelling and screaming at me to eat more and eat this and eat that. He doesn’t care that you know I’m a human being who gets full. I’ve tried to tell him that I’m fine (BECAUSE I AM). Actually thats a lie, I’m not fine when he’s bothering me. I feel fine! I feel healthy! I’ve gained roughly 7-8 pounds and I think I’m okay. Seriously. I’ve always been underweight (my whole life) this is a normal range for me (96-98 pounds).

But overnight I have to step on that stupid scale and if its shifted at all Dads upset and he starts to go off on me about how I’m not trying hard enough. Which is so unfair because how would he know how hard I’m trying? He’s only around enough to see my eat dinner!

I want to go on a nice run. Running is how I destress. Dads taken that away too. No running until I’m 110 pounds, which is really hard for someone who is naturally petite to get too. This is just the way my body is built. This is the way my body has always been. He doesn’t get it and he doesn’t care.

I feel like I have no one to turn to and talk to about it. I’ve mentioned it to a few friends but they don’t really get it. And this sounds so needy and stupid but usually my friends are kind of hard to reach and don’t really text back or have time to hang out. I started off the summer good by hanging out with a friend everyday and now its been about two day of just me by myself locked up in my room and it sucks. I realized that I had way more friends when I was younger and I just found out that even back then some of my so called “friends” didn’t like me. I feel like I don’t have any true real friends. Except for Amanda and for Z. But they are always so busy!

I hate how insecure I am. I hate how needy, selfish, and boring I’ve become.

I also hate how lately all my posts are just about me complaining and things I hate. I don’t know. I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff right now and I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be someone else or just never wake up again. I know Dads acting this way out of love but he’s really really hurting me.

I’ve got no passion, no drive, no real plan, I don’t have anything. I feel like such a failure. I’m never going to amount to anything, I’m never going to fall in love, and I’m always going to be alone no matter who I’m with.

I’m so sorry for all the pity and selfishness in this. Its stupid and it just makes me look like an even worse person. I’m pathetic, believe me I know.

Dad just weighed me and I put some change in my pocket to try to help speed things up, and of course it didn’t help me out at all. At this point I really don’t care anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I just want to curl up in bed and stay their forever.

Also today I accidentally hit a little boy in the head with a frisbee and made him cry. I felt so bad. Dad and I were at the beach and I was upset about the whole weight thing and the fact that Dad won’t let me run. I’ve always been really bad at frisbee. I just can’t make my arm stop to snap the stupid thing and I end up flinging it off to the side instead of straight and true at the person trying to catch it. I was nervous when this little boy sat down right next to Dad and started playing with his truck.  I moved more to the left to get out of his way and lord behold of course even though I did that I still nicked him in the head. I felt terrible. We left afterwards. I’m a danger to everyone when I play frisbee. I cannot tell you how many people I’ve either hit or almost hit.

The Worst Day of My Life

If you know me, you know I run. If you know me, you know that I suck now. If you know me, you probably don’t know why. As my coach likes to ask, “Whats wrong with you?” I give the usual, “I don’t know.”

But I think I do know.

Freshman year of high school, I go into cross country and track with my two friends. We all grow close and become the best freshman runners on the team, we make varsity, we win medals, and we stick together every race.

Freshman year of high school, I’m constantly hearing about how thin I am and how surely I must be anorexic and I’m constantly overwhelmed with comments like, “For a small person, you sure eat a lot!!” “Wow, are YOU really going to eat all of that?” “You eat a lot.” “Your lucky you have a fast metabolism.” Its not like I haven’t heard all of this before, believe me I have, but all of a sudden that year instead of shrugging it off like I used to and moving on, it hits me hard. Suddenly I don’t feel like eating as much, suddenly I’m tired of hearing what my friends and family think about my body. Enter the world of anorexia (even if I didn’t know it at the time.) I kept a food journal, would count calories obsessively I would eat around 900-1000 a day and any day I ate over that I would be so mad. I weighed myself several times a day, I continued running and I refused to eat anything with carbs or sugar.

I lost  some weight and went down to about 88-89 pounds.

And then I hear comments from people like “You look so pretty.” And now I’m confused because if what I’m doing to my body is bad, why are people telling me I look so good?

Then I have to deal with people begging me to eat more, the hypocrites.

Sophomore year, this year, it is the opposite. Instead of eating less, I eat more. At night, I go through chips and ice cream  and mountains upon mountains of food to the point of sickness. Several times I’ve even thrown up. And its affecting my running. Badly.

Let me tell you something. At our first home meet a few weeks ago I was put in the mile and two mile and I was so nervous I wanted to hurl. I’d been sucking at practice and was doing so bad and coming in last in everything that I knew this would be terrible. I’ve slowed down, so much that its not even funny. My coach has lost hope in me, he doesn’t even try to yell at me go to faster than my slow jog. At the race, as predicted, I was way in the back for the mile and I didn’t even finish. On my third lap, I couldn’t breathe, and gave up.

Do you know how humiliating it is for you classmates and friends and family to see you like that? Throughout the day I got confused looks and hugs from friends and anger from my coach and I just wanted to cry. Running has become so hard for me, I feel like I’ve gained 50 pounds and everything holding me back. My weight has pretty much remained the same despite my binging, but my mood, my health, my running, its all going downhill so quickly. We have another meet the day we get back from spring break, and once again I’m going to be the slowest and be hating every second of it. No one expects me to do good anymore, no one says much to me at all. Its painful to be trying to hard and then see others easily pass by you.

I’m scared. I’m so scared you guys. I think I’ve screwed my body up. I think I have diabetes. I think I’m going to lose all my teeth. And I think theres something wrong with my heart. I think I’ve lost my self respect, too.

And I’ve been avoiding you.

And I’m sorry.