My First Medal (Sort Of)

Junior year is definitely the busiest year. This year I take my SATS, get my drivers license, and start to narrow down colleges. I remembered today after recording something in my Daily Journal for AP English just how important it is to document everything. I want to write about everything, big or small, so I can remember it. Even if it doesn’t seem important at the time, I want to sit there when my hair is grey and my body is old and covered with wrinkles and taste how everything was once upon a time.

So here’s what you have missed future me:

1)  Right now you have an 84% in Honors Chem. You’re terrified that it’s going to drop soon. So far you’ve been getting C’s and one D on the tests. You hate Chemistry. Biology was a lot better for you.

2) You’re trying to apply for CFS Club (California Federal Scholarship). It looks good for college, but you’ve got a lot of competition and don’t feel involved enough to get in. You’re friend Amanda has been involved in a million extra curricular activities for years and you regret not starting something sooner. (LEARN from this).

3) You love AP English. Your teacher, Beltran, is the coolest. You don’t write essays in her class. She doesn’t call on people. She wants people to come out of their shell on their own and force themselves to present and be brave enough to break their own hearts. Everyday in class you dance before you start whatever you’re doing (Ted Talk Tuesday, annotating everything, reading little snippets of books you now crave to read like “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs” and “Tiny Beautiful Things”.  That class relaxes you so much. You feel better afterwards and it helps you with getting through Honors Chemistry.

4) You don’t like Math anymore. It was something you were okay at last year (I mean you have been getting A’s but that doesn’t mean you fully understand it). Now its confusing. The teacher you have now is fresh out of college and explains things without following through all the way. Today you took your first group quiz and you and your good friend Emma were practically doing all the work. The boy who was “working” with you (Charlie) is someone you’ve known since Elementary school. He’s grown up into an arrogant egotistical jackass. He’s always flexing and checking out his muscles in class and stretching and bending his head on your desk (sometimes you pull it back and when he gives you a look say, “Oops sorry.” ((but we all know you aren’t)). The other girl Willa means well, but she doesn’t really get it. You and Emma do  problem 8 the hard way, twice, when the formula with the shortcut was literally right there all along. You guys come in during lunch and realize you’re mistake and also realize that if your two and been positive instead of negative you would have gotten the right answer instead of remainder 848. Yesterday your math teacher cried during class giving the news that an African American man had been shot by a police officer on unlawful terms. You thought he was faking it at first and almost laughed, but then you felt really bad when you realized he wasn’t acting.

5) On your last race you “technically” got a medal. You came in 28th place in the race out of like a hundred or more schools. You aren’t on Varsity anymore, but that’s okay. The girls on Varsity now are mostly Sophomores who spend their weekends doing Triathlons. In this particular race there was this terrible dusty hill in Morley Field. You actually stuck with Amanda pretty well even though hills are your weakness and you usually catch up with her on the downhill. The top 9 girls got disqualified for accidentally cutting it short since the man who was supposed to be directing them was on his phone. They also mixed up handing out the medals so they took the 20-and beyond medals saying they’d sort it out. You knew that wasn’t going to happen because a lot of girls had already left with the wrong medals. You turned in the 49th place medal you were given anyway. You were kind of really disappointed about it but then you realized it was a just a piece of plastic, who cares?

6) Tomorrow you are going to be wearing a dress. You haven’t worn dresses since kindergarten.

7) You’re favorite song right now is “In My Mind”.

8) You broke your phone last Monday. It was a rainy day. You’re alarm went off at 6:05, you disabled it and when you set it down on the bathroom counter you knocked it over with your hand and the LSD cracked. The screen went dark but your alarm and notifications still worked. The screen wouldn’t work. You told your parents a few days later, swearing that all you did was drop it (which was true) but they were skeptical and thought you must have done something more damaging. For a few days you had no phone, and you actually were okay. Your Mom is pissed at you, but she bought you a new one. Don’t break this one. Also, its your early and only Christmas present. Merry Christmas! (You also scared your friend Scout when she suddenly couldn’t reach you. She got Fernando to investigate you. You didn’t recognize him without his glasses).

9) You used to go to bed at 9:30, but now you go to bed at 11:30. You also used to eat dinner at 6:30, now its 7 or 8.

10) APUSH is totally boring. The lessons are a waste a time and unproductive. Mostly the teacher just asks you about the day and asks a bunch of questions about politics and the modern world and its nothing to do with history. You wish you could just do the three hours of homework from that class in the class. You’ve realized that a lot of old people who are lonely become teachers because they just want someone to talk to. Maybe their kids have all moved out of the house and are too busy with their lives or maybe their spouse died or maybe they have no kids. Maybe thats why they talk so much about opinions and things, so that students are forced to listen to them and hear them. You don’t want to be like that when your old, but maybe its inevitable.

11) Every Friday in AP English you have SAS presentations (Stuff About Stuff). It’s a free topic. You bring something interesting to show the class and present about it for no more than 5 minutes. It could be an article, about anything, as long as its not a waste of time for you or the class. And as long as it interests you. You forced yourself to go last Friday when you presented about a drug that cures fear and implanting false memories into a mouse. You were completely terrified to go. You emailed the teacher the night before (she wants students to send her emails about anything/everything) saying you were hesitant and she replied saying Get into the arena girl! Just do it!  You thought you gave a terrible presentation even though you didn’t stumble. You brought a picture of your dog to give people something to look at. Cel, this completely erratic and outgoing friend, told you you did great, which made you feel good. Even Beltran commented saying, “Meghan you did great, Brandon you get a star, and Katherine you seemed nervous but you got one too.” You can sit out the one tomorrow even though you have an idea for the next on (Synesthesia).

12) Also on race days (usually Fridays) your “secret” pal gives you the coolest gifts. You know its Amanda, only she would buy you Starbucks coffee, wrap up the gifts so cutely and give you gatorade with a sticker that says PROPERTY OF A BOSS ASS BITCH and give you a bag of glitter that says 100% ORGANIC UNBLEACHED GRASS FED  CAGE FREE UNICORN ESSENCE. Only she would buy you a water bottle that you’ve needed for ever, get you sweet potato chips, and buy you chocolate panda’s (because Panda is the nickname for your current crush. Only you don’t know if you like him or just think he’s cute. You think he likes Meghan. I think you’re right). Amanda tries to act like she isn’t the one who buys these things, but you know its her. She tried to be sneak once by cutting out letters to spell out HAHA I’M SO SNEAKY because you told her you recognized your handwriting. You can tell in her smile and expression that its her when you bring it up. Last time she filled your good luck card with glitter (her signature birthday thing) and you threw it around the air and over your head. When you started your run to the beach you left behind a glitter trail. It took weeks for you to wash it off your hair and get it off your bed, but it was worth it.

13) There’s a heat wave right now. On Monday it was over a hundred degrees which is unusual for where you live. Since it was a “workout” day your Coach had you run to the beach with the impression there would be more running. The whole team rebelled when they got there and swam in the ocean. The water was cold and refreshing. Coach came and made everyone do 8 strides on the wet sand but then you got to swim again afterwards. Then you ran to Jack and the Box with Taylor and got water. Taylor  is a tall Sophomore with really pretty blue-green eyes. She has a twin. You guys walked all the way back because it was too hot to run again.

14) Tomorrow is Friday and on the weekend your going to the beach with Sophia. Hopefully she gives you your books back. You miss “Love Letters To The Dead”.

15) You found out today when you were running to the pier with the team that a boy you’ve known since Elementary school raped a girl. He went to Juvie last year and is back in school. The girl that it happened to switched schools, you don’t know her and your friend didn’t say which you respect. You’re disgusted that he’s back in school. He also dated the friend who told you this briefly, thankfully nothing happened to her because she broke up with him but the girl who was raped didn’t tell your friend what had happened until after your friend had broken things off with him. This is the same guy who stole your lunch in 6th grade and was the first person to call you Anorexic.

16) In your Daily Journal you had to write about your favorite childhood memory and here it is:

I was at the playground sitting by the fence watching all the bees. At seven years old the fate of the bees rested on my tiny shoulders, or so I thought. If I didn’t make sure they were still flying around the purple honeysuckles that grew by the fence, they would perish forever in my mind. First the flowers would die, then the trees would go, then all the plants, and eventually the world would slowly starve and crumble apart piece by piece. I used to scratch SAVE THE BEES into the sand with my dirty fingers. As if merely writing the words would protect them. I didn’t spend all of recess doing this. I’d play on the slide with friends or play four square. Sometimes my friends would sit with me and watch the bees too, but they were scared of their venom and I was not. Sometimes I just sat alone, but I was happy to sit there and observe how delicately they crawled into flowers and then flew away. I almost always made a little time for bee patrol before recess ended. One day I was sitting by the fence wearing this stupid green hat that my Nana had sent and my Mom made me wear outside, half-watching the boys playing soccer on the sand and half-watching my little friends, when one of the boys fell. He’d skidded on the sand trying to kick the ball into the net. I jumped up and helped him hobble over to where I’d been sitting. His knees were dark and crusty with blood. I told him to stay there and then sprinted as fast as I could to the girls washroom. I was actually pretty fast back then. I’d once won a little bubble blower for getting the most laps around the field during our yearly Jog-A-Thon (I wanted the water gun, but the best boy runner got it). The school coach had once called my parents telling them I was born to be a runner after I’d beaten my entire class sprinting a lap around the field. I frantically grabbed a handful of dark brown paper towels, wet two of them, then I burst back into the sunlight towards the hurt boy. This particular boy wasn’t a stranger. We were friends. We didn’t play together at lunch (boys had cooties), but in class we’d play Trouble together and I let him make up fake rules just so he could win the game. He was my first real crush. He had curly brown hair and the biggest brown eyes I’d ever seen framed with thick lashes. I like brown eyes; they’re the kindest eyes.Tragically, he was “dating” (in elementary school terms) one of my best friends, so my “love” was a deep dark secret. Though, I sensed that he liked me too. We were both too shy to do anything about it, but he’d always smile at me and laugh at the dumb jokes I told or funny gestures I’d do just to make him laugh. I told him to use the wet paper towels to mop up the blood then press down on his cuts with the dry ones to stop the bleeding. I felt authorized to instruct him since my own mother was a nurse. As we sat side by side at the fence with the bees buzzing around us he turned to me with a clear look in his eyes and suddenly said, “Katherine, you’re really kind, funny, smart, and…. beautiful.” I could feel my cheeks heat up and a smile spread across my face without my permission. I felt warm inside and my heart was fluttering fast. We didn’t say anything after that. (Although in my seven year old mind I was planning a wedding, three kids, and maybe six or seven dogs). We just sat there, in silence, at the fence, next to the purple honeysuckle flowers with the bees buzzing over our heads, lingering for an endless moment before moving on.

 

You were considering writing about in preschool when you were swinging on the swings in sync with another boy. Your classmates watching and waiting for their turn called it “love swinging”. The boy was looking at you and you were looking at him. You used to close your eyes on swings so you could just feel your body rising up and falling down and being pulled backwards. When you stopped moving your feet, but continued swinging you thought it was God who was pushing your swing. You tried to communicate with him telepathically on the swings. You’d ask: Are you there God? Are you pushing my swing? Is this a sign?  But he never responded to you. After the swing thing, the little boy you were loving swinging with gave you a flower and said that you guys had to get married now. You smiled at him and then ran away because commitment is too much for you.

First Week of School, Wasting Days, And Trying Too Hard

AUGUST 2016/SEPTEMBER 2016

29 Monday:

  • Bring hat for Amanda
  • secret pals card

30 Tuesday

???? Beyonce

  • Syllabus for French due Vendredi
  • Check blog tonight (English)
  • SAFTEY TEST TOMORROW FOR HW STUDY!

31 Wednesday 

Take it easy song

ions + electricity

  • edmodo.com
  • get binder for math
  • 6 word memoir

1 Thursday

signed sealed delivered song

David Foster Wallace

Culture

  • Look up impartif
  • blog +email English teacher
  • Sticky pads for HC NB
  • 6 memoir

2 Friday

Catherine The Great + Horse (?)

  • flashcards for French
  • Blog

My AP English class is not what I was expecting. I was expecting essays, lots of writing, and a ton of literature. When I walked in during 3rd period from just across the hall (almost half of my classes are in the same building ) there was a young and pretty teacher shaking hands and saying hello to everyone. She was playing music and told us to sit wherever we wanted.  Just like in all the previous classes, she told us to get in a circle (so that everyone can “interact” and meet each other again even though its been 3 years of the same exact people) except we just high-fived then sat back down. She said we don’t do worksheets, we do projects, we read, we don’t have to participate if we don’t want to, we decide our grades at the end of the year (?), I don’t even know how to describe her class. She treats us like real people and her class just isn’t about English. She’s trying to teach us Life and she described the tools she was going to plant in our minds (like Legos) and we were going to build stuff out of it. Does that make sense? We watched a video by David Foster Wallace called “This Is Water”. If you don’t know who he is like I did he’s a genius writer who committed sucide and was a little funky. We took notes on something she calls “The Circle Thingy” which is basically the state that everyone is in where we make choices and decisions based on our feelings and experiences and then we make a decison based on our upbringing and environment to “mind the gap” (take a chance) or not. She’s been talking a lot about how everyone is just really concerned and thinking about themselves all the time and thinking that we are so different, but really we are the same. Everyone wonders if they are crazy or is thinking about having to present next or whats for dinner or where is that airplane going?  We wrote a passage on how we “see” the world. Everyone mostly said that there view was optimistic, mine was on how I “see” with my heart which was really really cheesy. I was stuck on two six word memoirs: I GET LOST EVEN WITH MAPS or CRAZY CAT LADY WITH NO CATS. Beltran is that kind of teacher who is really kind and smiles a lot and cares a lot. She’s honest too. She says she does have favorite students, she does judge, she’s only human right?

The songs and artists I wrote down in my planner are the one’s she plays in class in the beginning. Her songs have a purpose (unless she specifically says it doesn’t) like the “take it easy” and “signed, sealed, delivered” song.

She also has dance parties. She plays music and you can either dance or stand there or do whatever. I was put between two dancers and I tried to dance along even though I’m terrible at it. When she lectures in class its almost like a performance. She’s a good story teller too.

I think she’s going to be my favorite teacher.

So heres everything interesting that happened:

  • we had a fire drill and nobody cared. literally. no one left the class. we just sat there.
  • Friday we had a assembly and Amanda bought me a coffee for secret pals in cross country
  • Friday was also a race day, but the coach didn’t want me to run it yet
  • my history teacher is SO boring we do nothing NOTHING we’ve spent a week just writing about ourselves
  • my math class is boring too (I JUST WANT TO DO MATH) but we sit there and talk about stuff and play games (Although he does have an interesting story. He has 8 siblings. His Dad left him. He was born in Mexico. He was an illegal immigrant. His brother was in a gang and is now in jail.)

Julian is in my history class. He’s taking all AP classes. I feel like I’m in all the dumb slow people classes except for English and History and Honors Chem. I should have taken AP Bio last year instead of regular. How can I go into the medical field by having just taken regular Bio??

Last night Dad and I had a really dumb and weird fight.

NOTHING ABOUT THIS POST MAKES SENSE.

Sorry, I just feel so weird right now. My heart is beating really really slowly and I feel so out of it. I’m super super thirsty and I’ve drank so much water. I have a weird taste in my mouth too. Last night I ate some chocolate and its tripping me out. I really do think I legit have diabetes.

 

 

Dreams, Bonfire, And My Dad vs. Me

Almost every night this week I’ve had dreams about Jord. I know, I got it bad. I don’t even think he cares as much as I do and I can’t even begin to figure out why I care so much. We weren’t talking as much on Instagram so I was thinking okay I guess its over and this is the part where we drift apart. Then yesterday when I checked my DMs again I was thinking okay if he hasn’t dmed you by now, then you should just let it go man. As Fate would have it, he had messaged me ;).

What do you get with burning marshmallows, glow sticks, a fire, towels, a volleyball, a football, a lot of towels and blankets and cake and food?

Obviously a birthday bonfire.

Last night was Amanda’s birthday bonfire and I came early along with her boyfriend Trevor to help set up. We got there at 4 when the party was supposed to start and started frantically setting up all the chairs and laying out the food but we did it in record time before anyone actually started to come over. Stacey was the first to come and then the rest of Amanda’s gang showed up. I was trying to socialize and not be that one awkward person on my phone, but after a little while I pulled out the phone and started texting Kiara. Its hard for me to relate to Amanda’s group of friends because they are all so tight knit and exclusive and I really don’t think they like me that much (and I should know, I did used to try to eat lunch with them for the past two years). There’s this one girl named Zoe who I’m pretty sure hates my guts. I try to talk to her and she’ll edge away from me or have a quick conversation with me then turn around. Freshman year when Cel, Me, Amanda, Trevor, and Zoe went to Haunted Trails she was crying while we were walking through the maze where all the fake scary clowns were and surprisingly I had this rush of bravery I guess and I wasn’t scared at all. I knew that it was all fake and so I just laughed at all the “scary” clowns.  I kept saying, “This isn’t bad at all!” to try to make her feel better and because in all honesty it wasn’t. At one point though she glared and me and muttered: “Shut the fuck up Katherine!” Which worked. I shut up pretty fast. And then I got separated from the group somehow and had to find the way out on my own. Amanda and Trevor were really worried and when they saw me they ran up and gave me a hug but Zoe just kind of stood there crying. I had to leave early, at like 10 or 9 I think and we were all at Starbucks teasing Amanda because she and Trevor weren’t a “thing” yet and she kept denying it and when I mentioned I had to go soon Zoe kind of sneered said, “Why is it your bedtime?”

She makes snarky comments like that to all her friends though, so I don’t know if that means something or not.

Anyways. Daniel came, this kid in my French class who also dated Alli and I sort of found a little annoying last year. Then Matthew, this girl from another school named Sophie, Camille, Maddie, Ryan, Caroline, and Tate and Zarinna showed up together. Everyone thought they were dating and it sort of looked like they were and later when Z and I snuck off during the night (me wrapped up in a blanket to stay warm) we talked about the whole situation. We walked to the Pier. When we came back the only one who had really noticed we had left was Ava, her Mom, and Kiara. I swam a few times with Kiara. We both think we saw a sting ray the last time we came in and the tide was so high that we were forced to return when the life guards started yelling. I played some volleyball with Leani and Kiara. I was comfortable but also kind of uncomfortable. I was surrounded by people I knew but I wasn’t exactly “friends” with except for a few. I kept trying to socialize but its kind of hard for me because I can already feel some kind of wall between me and everyone else. Near the end of the night we were all playing Truth or Dare and Stacey sat in a trashcan, Matthew ran to the Pier and back, one girl licked Zoe’s knee, Trevor pole danced, Caroline ran over to the people at the next bonfire and screamed I LIKE YOUR FIRE then ran back, and everyone else picked Truth. My question was: Whats the weirdest dream you’ve had about someone at our school?

I told them about the dream about Travis (my neighbor) who was a ninja and him and his father were trying to kill me and my whole family and then my Dad yelled at me to go clean my room and everyone from my second grade class was there helping me clean then I saw Travis busting through the window with a knife and Carolina Diaz was about to get hit so I pushed her out of the way and he stabbed me in the back.

Everyone was like…..Oh…..

This morning I don’t know why but I kind of binged. I haven’t done that in a while. I ate the rest of the cream cheese, some spoonfuls of peanut butter, leftover popcorn, toast (which was my original breakfast), tortilla chip, and two of my Lara fruit bars. I know its so much for just the morning. I had this massive hunger I guess. I think I ate way over 2000 calories and the day is just getting started. I think I did it because Dads stressing me out about the running. The doctor CLEARED me. She TOLD me I could start on Monday. But Dad is disagreeing with me. HE said that SHE said that I could run once my iron was 13. Its 12.2 last I checked! Thats normal!!! She told me my iron USED to be at 13 and it would be GOOD to get it there again. But I know I can run! He’s just being difficult because he doesn’t want me too, but he doesn’t get it! I need to run. It helps me focus, it helps me stay motivated, it makes me feel strong and actually good about myself. Without it I’m laying down on my bed binging on everything and wasting my life watching American Horror Story. I’m sick of it. Running gets me outside. Tonight is the XC bonfire but I don’t think I’m going to go. I haven’t showed up all summer, I think it would be a little rude and weird if I showed up just tonight. It would look like I’m just there for the food.

Accepting My Flaws, Shoes, and Running Troubles

I’m going to list my flaws one at a time. Sometimes I feel like puberty is working backwards on me. When I was a kid I was actually pretty cute. Now I seem to be getting more awkward and greasy and uglier as time goes on, but whatever thats life.

Flaw #1) Hyperhidrosis, I’ve talked about this a few times in my posts. Again its excessive sweating. I have it in my hands, feet, and armpits. But I’m starting to accept it. I used to swear sweaters/hoodies all the time everyday to hide it but now I’m wearing more tanktops and shorts and don’t really give a fuck. I even told Jord about it (the first boy I ever told ever) and his response was so sweet. He said he didn’t even notice when we shook hands, and wouldn’t really care and would still hold my “sweaty hands”. Haha I know gross, but it was sweet to me.

Flaw #2) Rosacea. Thats redness/irritation in skin. I have it in my face a little. It just looks like I’m sunburned mostly. Its not that bad, its just a little pinkish or redish sometimes. It also causes irritation in your eyes which explains why they get itchy or so irritated all the time. (By the way this is a new discovery) and I know my Dad defnielty has it and its genetic. My Dad’s face turned really red when he was about 30 (which is when its supposed to get worse, and it can get really bad for men) he has broken blood vessels on his face you can see (but not too obvious its not like he looks like some scary monster). I have two broken blood vessels on my face but they are hidden by my hair and are tiny. I also have some on my chest. I hope mine doesn’t get worse over time. I also blush very EASILY. My face turns beet red when I laugh too hard or get really embarrassed which happens often because I’m shy. I’ve been putting moisterizing cream on it which makes it kind of oily sometimes if I overdo it but it helps some. I’ve accepted that my skin will never not be at least a little red (or a lot) or pinkish. (Man, why do I have so many bad genes?!?)

Flaw #30 I’m clumsy. I don’t even need to explain this one. I’ve knocked stuff over, fallen over, bump into people all the time, and tend to fall.

Flaw #4) (I’ll just list them all to save space) I’m short. I think? I’m 5′ 3 and a half. I have braces. My voice is kind of high and very soft so people tend to not hear me unless I’m really loud. The list goes on and on forever people. But I’m really working on being more comfortable in my skin and just looking past it all. Yeah I have a bunch of weird and quirky conditions but it could be so much worse. I’m mostly healthy, I have both legs, I have both eyes, I’m just lucky to be alive and breathing.

I just got dropped off by Tate’s Mom. Zarinna invited me to hang out with her friend Brayden and Michael. I’m not really close with those two boys but Z didn’t want to be alone with them and she’s always trying to include me in those sort of things which is so sweet of her. Funny, but Brayden and I actually once were somewhat tight waaayy back in elementary school. It was in second grade and he was dating my “best” friend at the time (who now is just one of the most popular girls at school and helped spread all the dumb “rumors” about me at school  but anyway). He was dating her and I had the biggest crush on him and I think he liked me too. Once he fell down playing soccer at the playground and I was sitting at the gate watching all the bees and flowers (Yes, I was a strange child. For some reason I thought I could save all the bees by watching them). I jumped up when he went down and told him to sit down on the white concrete I had been at and I ran as fast as I could to the girls bathroom. There I got one wet and one dry paper towel then rushed back to clean up his bleeding knee. Why we were sitting there he turned to me with the biggest brown eyes and cute curly brown hair and told me something I would never forget: (Though I have to admit I can’t remember it word for word) it went something like:

“Katherine you are the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful girl.” (Something along those lines?) And I literally felt my heart start to warm up and I smiled at him.

After that we never really talked again until high school though.

Anyways, the plan changed. I went to Zarinna’s and was trying to be cute in my red tank top and black bando my slightly too big and too long light blue sort of ripped jeans (well I am trying to gain weight so once I do I don’t want to have to buy new jeans again so I bought them like this). At first I was a little taken back when Z told me in her room while we were dancing that it wasn’t a good color for me because it made my legs look fat. But then I was like, well who cares? Fatter in my case is supposed to be good right? Besides all the jeans I own are really really dark, almost black. I need something new. And at 100 pounds/101 pounds I do feel bigger but not really hating it as I was in the beginning. I eat a lot more now though. Especially late at night. I didn’t take what she said personally. Her Dad is kind of hard on her about weight and calls her chubby and is always telling her what to not eat. The plan became that me, her, Brayden, and Tate were all going to the mall to help Tate with back to school shopping. (I also knew Tate sort of from 8th grade history where we sat next to each other, but it was my awkward shy phase where I literally said nothing and worse the same black jacket EVERY DAY. *Regret*). On the ride over I was so nervous and quiet and didn’t say much. But the more time we spent shopping the better I felt until the end of the day where I felt completely comfortable. Zarinna was definitely the “Mom” of the group. She reminded us what we all had to buy even though she bought nothing herself and pulled out shirts and jackets and pants for Tate to try even when he didn’t want to or had no interest. She checked where all our toes were when we were trying on shoes and was constantly talking to the sales people and ordering bigger or smaller sizes. Poor Tate complained a lot, but in an accepting and teasing way. Like when she made him try on a green jacket he hated but she said she liked and told him it looked good on him and she liked it so he should too.

I love her.

She made me buy a stand in pair of shoes last time we were shopping (I don’t really see whats wrong with my red faded, mostly holy, vans though. She claims that they are awful but I like them because they are torn and faded. Its punk almost.) And I got the cutest black lace up ankle wedges that are totally appropriate for school. I just have to practice walking with them without falling or tripping over stairs. Tate’s Mom funded the shoes, backpack, all the shirts and pants that Z made him buy, which I guess was necessary even though he did have a job but it was pretty dang expensive. He hasn’t gone clothe shopping in years though. Bear (Brayden) and I were the more quieter ones of the group but we still talked and laughed and joked around. I feel like I can actually be more “friends” with Tate and Brayden more now that we’ve hung out a bit more.

So heres the deal with the running. Ever since the whole Anemia thing I’ve been eating all the things Dads been telling me to do (no matter how much they make my skin break out), mostly taking me iron pills, mostly drinking my protein drinks (Confession: sometimes I dump them down the sink and pretend I drank them. I just hate them and am so sick of them and twice a day is too much I’d be fine with once a day honestly). But, this whole summer Dad’s forbidden me to run at all. But he lets me swim, he let me surf, he lets me walk, he lets me do other physical things BUT running. He hates it. He is so completely against it. We had a fight about it yesterday. I was telling him that I was fine. I feel fine, I look fine. Last I checked I was only .afew off on my iron charts. I’ve gone from 87-100 pounds. Thats pretty good if you ask me. But Dad was having none of it. He started screaming at me that I was “absolutely not fine” and “thinking that everything was okay when its not” and running had “damaged” me ect ect. It was ridiculous. Running was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. It made me more focused and confident and happy. The whole eating disorder and anemia was not caused by the running, it was caused by me. It wouldn’t matter if I had done running or not I still would have developed my anorexia based on “comments” from friends and family. True, they did happen at races or after race dinners. People would look at me in amazement and say, “You’re so tiny!! How can you eat so much??” And thats when I started all the restricting. I became uncomfortable and judged for eating so much. And then my friend told me that someday I would be massively fat from all the food I ate in the future and that kind of put the nail in the coffin. But I’m fine now. I eat a lot of healthy foods and a little bit of junk too. Healthy food makes me feel good but Dad still sees it as a bad thing and a “sign”.

Yesterday Ava told me that there were now Cross Country tryouts because the team is the biggest it has ever been and I already missed it. The make up day is tomorrow, and guess who won’t let me go? He said once I’m cleared by a doctor than I can, but my Mom scheldued it for THAT DAY and its later in the afternoon so I’ll miss it still even if the doctor clears me. I don’t know if I’m on the team or not even though I’ve done it for two years. The try out is a simulated race where we run 3.1 miles (regular race length) and he times it. For Juniors he expects under 25 minutes and the best I did as a Freshman was 24 or 23 I think. But I’m so out of practice and shape I know that I won’t make that time. I’ve run 3 times this whole summer in secret and not very far. I want to call or text my Coach but I’m scared. So I sent him an email instead that he hasn’t replied to. Im scared that he’s not going to let me back in. I was so so slow this year and gave him a lot of grief with missing a lot of meets and practice because of my condition. I know I talk about how much I hate running but I really really need it. Which my Dad doesn’t understand and he never will. He thinks sports and stupid and all they do is hurt people. The pain makes you stronger, thats what I think.

School Shopping, Confused, And Stuff I Hate

I bought myself this cute little white backpack with little black cat shapes printed on it and its so adorable I just can’t. It has little straps you have to button in instead of zipping everything up. I got everything dirt cheap. Staples was having this little 25% off school supplies thing if you buy a backpack and I was stuck between this black galaxy one with pink and purple (stars?) or this nice teal one. I went with the teal one because Sam told me the galaxy one was the ugliest thing she has ever seen. Also it was five dollars more so I went for the cheaper one. My pencils, pens, notebooks, erasers, folders, ect plus the backpack was a total of 48 dollars which isn’t that bad. Last year when I was using my debit card I spent over 100 on school supplies. Then I went to Target to look for buttons but instead I found the cat backpack which was 5 dollars cheaper than the blue one from Staples. SO I went back to Staples, returned the bag (but got to keep all my supplies and they didn’t charge me extra for returning it) then went back to Target and put everything in the new backpack.

This morning I went with Zarinna to get her registration papers and we filled them out a little bit together at this table in the quad. Ms. Soliz came by and tried to convince her to go into choir. It was a little awkward because she used to be my guitar teacher  but I could tell she had forgotten my name and everything. Which happens. Dad and I bought wetsuits today too for our trip to Ventura tomorrow. Dad used to go there to surf way back in the day and now he’s bringing Sam and me there to teach us. Probably mostly me because Sam is too scared to get on the board. She’s still being as annoying and bratty as ever even though she’s officially going into community college. Today she got so pissed that I turned off the oven after I was done making some sweet potato fries. Earlier she had said that she was going to put something in the oven with my stuff and I had replied with: “Well my stuff is going in at 450.” And she rolled her eyes and remarked with a: “Seriously.” Then she never said anything else about it. I didn’t know if she was going to use the oven or what was happening so I turned it off when I was done with it and while I was eating dinner in my room I heard her feet stomping all the way to my door and then she started screaming:

YOU KNEW I WAS GOING TO FUCKING USE THE OVEN WHY WOULD YOU TURN IT OFF YOU SELFISH LITTLE BRAT- and then I covered my ears while she screamed through the door and banged her fist against it. Her temper tantrums are seriously the same as a five year olds.

Anyways, so that happened.

On a way different note, Jord and I haven’t really been talking as much and its making me a little sad. Our conversations are really short and he won’t respond for hours and hours. I think gradually we will just stop talking. He’s flying back home to the Netherlands today and now thats a difference of nine hours. I was actually looking forward to Skyping and keeping in touch but I doubt that will happen anymore. I’m so confused. I keep thinking that he likes me by the things he says but then its like he disappears.

I figured out my school schedule. Its this: AP English, AP U.S History, Honors Chem, IM3, French 5-6, and XC and Track. I know I said I was most likely dropping the running but I decided I need to stick with it no matter how much it sucked Sophomore year and who cares if I haven’t run all summer and my Dad is very pissed at me because he wants me to be cleared by my doctor first. Honestly, I’m fine. Not even anemic anymore. And 100 pounds now (I definitely feel fatter but can’t seem to stop eating). I’m actually excited for school. I have cute supplies and I actually like learning and seeing my REAL friends.

Tomorrow is going to be a fun 6 hour car ride. Thats why I’m converting music from Youtube onto my Kindle so that I can tune out Sam. I think I might bring my camera and film the waves and surfing and such.

Kahlil also texted me today while I was getting a hair cut. I don’t know what to say to him, I haven’t texted him back in a month ever since the whole situation where he was asking me out and ten more other girls at the same time. I’m just so sick of being played with. Though I know he’s going to be at Ella’s birthday party and I can’t avoid him there. For the time being I will just manage.

Sunburned, The First Run, And A Poem To My Sister

I ran for the first time in almost 6 months. I creamed Sam. It was her idea in the first place. She wanted to go to the bank and make a deposit and wanted to make it a quick run since its just down a big hill and around a corner. I couldn’t find my sports bra and when she started yelling for me to hurry up I just gave up and hopped outside. I stretched my legs while she sat there and then we started a jog up our hill. Immediately she dropped back and I started speeding up. When I was pounding down the hill I saw Dad pushing his bike up it. I was afraid he would get mad at me for running when it was technically strictly forbidden by me but he yelled, “Yeah! Go faster!”

When I got to Chase I waited for five minutes then turned around to get Sam, who was walking. Then at the bank she got herself some coffee and sugar and told me she was walking back. Up the hill was so much harder. I did a really slow jog and walked for a minute when I got to the top.

Yesterday Kiara and I went to the beach where we saw a fish, a big crab, and I also lost my Skuba goggles. I hope Dad never finds that out. I got hella burned even with a ton of sunscreen slathered on. We spent a lot of time getting pounded by the waves and trying to look underwater with our goggles. All you could really see was seaweed and foam and I kept thinking that I was seeing a shark under me. Then Kiara accidentally kicked my leg and it felt slippery and wet like shark skin. I screamed and grabbed her hand and swam all the way to shore, freaking out. When we were sunbathing I realized with horror that I had forgotten that I was supposed to babysit that day. I was supposed to be at my neighbors house at 12, and it was an hour past that. I called my neighbor back and texted her telling her I had forgotten and I was so so sorry. I felt so bad and was positive that I was going to get fired. Thank God she told me it was fine and that we would reschedule another time. I think I should bring some cookies or something as a way of saying sorry.

Sam and I were fighting a lot yesterday, and today even too. Actually everyday. I wrote this poem. Its dumb and I’m not really as good with poetry as I am with writing stories but in the moment yesterday it felt right. I was writing it in this empty purple notebook with an angry red ballpoint pen.

 

 

I was going to share it but now I think it just needs more work.

School starts on the 29th. I leave for Venturra on Friday to learn how to surf. Instagram with Jord has gotten weird. I think he’s kind of just over me. We were talking and things got confusing because he said he “loved” me and I said he was kidding and he said he wasn’t and I said I “lettuced” him (as a joke). And then he asked me if I was serious and I asked him if he was and we weren’t telling each other anything and it was all mega confusing. Then he kind of ended the conversation with:

Well the thing is we aren’t going to see each other anytime soon.

Yeah

Which is kind of sad really

Yeah

That being said I’d probably shouldn’t have handled are goodbye so poorly

What do you mean O_o?

Well I just gave you a stupid handshake

Thats pretty normal bro

I feel like I at least should have give you a hug :p

Haha its fine I mean we had only met the day before

Only one day and you already lettuce me

Wow

Lol you wish :p

You’re right, I do 😦

Aww haha sure :p. I gotta go to the movies now, I’l ttyl?

Of course

And have fun! 

 

And since then our conversation have been slowly dwindling.

I just kind of feel like he played me. Or he’s joking or maybe he really likes me but this isn’t going to go anywhere.

 

 

Babysitting, Mindless, And Sick

I babysitted two kids today. A boy who’s 9 and a girl who’s 8.

Here is some wisdom I have learned from our youth:

If you’re born in 2000, you’re REALLY REALLY old

Can you call my Aunt and ask her what the wifi password is?

Wheres the popcorn?

In all honesty they weren’t bad kids. Buckets full of energy ? Yes. We played Clue, we went outside to try to locate the wifi, tried to kill some spiders, watched the lizard, drank some juice, and watched tv. It was pretty low-key.

Today hit the record in awkwardest days of my life. I planned with Zarinna, Sophia, and her boyfriend to go meet at the mall to watch Sucide squad. I got really anxious when my Mom dropped me off at the mall 3 hours before the movie began. I figured I’d do some birthday shopping since seriously everyone I know is born in August. I got Scout some knee high grey socks that I’ve become obsessed with myself and I got Amanda some glowing clip up photo lights and some face masks. I also got for myself a planner that describes me pretty well. It says LIFE AMBITION: TO BECOME A MERMAID in shiny grey lettering on a black cover. I started to feel myself panic, I was alone in the mall where groups of friends and family members were hanging out. So I called Scout and we chatted as I went over to the sushi bar (that was somehow out of sushi?), then the fire alarm went off into the food court, and finally I just settled on some yogurt. As Scout was telling me about the chicken project she’s doing for her school and the disappearing eggs Zarinna called me and told me she was there. Immediately I could see 3 things: 1) Zarinna was in a bad mood, 2) it was that time of the month, and number 3) she was bored out of her mind. I could tell just by how flat her voice was and unexpressive her face was. I bought her some cake pops and tea in the hope that would help her a little bit. We changed the movie time from 2:15 to 3 o clock and wandered around Forever 21. I was starting to doubt that Sophia and Sam were ever going to show up as Z and I were looking at checkers. She said she would be there around 1 or 1:30 and it was now 2. My phone went off and the caller ID wasn’t one that I recognized but I answered it hoping that it was Sophia, which it was. Somehow her boyfriend and her had walked into Forever 21 past us and we hadn’t noticed. It was beyond awkward trying to run up and hug Sophia because this little brunette girl got in the way so it was like OMG HEY RUN WAIT STOP DONT CRASH. Sophia’s boyfriend Sam was shy, that was proven as soon as everyone said hi. He smiled and then quickly averted his eyes. I do this thing where whenever I feel awkward I kind of just shut down. I’m really bad with trying to figure out how to incorporate everyone into conversations and such. It was like we were two separate groups: Me and Zarinna and Sophia and Her Boyfriend. We checked out Urban Outfitters, we went to Panda Express, we went to the movie early because seats were PACKED. I was sitting next to Sophia and Zarinna and her boyfriend was on the other side of Sophia, when Kiara called me saying that she could actually make it to the movie. I was half surprised and 1/4 glad and 1/4 unsure. Originally I had invited her because Sophia was going to bring more people but it hadn’t worked out that way. Big groups don’t always work out and I didn’t want Sam and Sophia to feel more isolated. The movie was okay. Honestly it just wasn’t as good as I’d thought it would be. I thought it would have more Joker action but he wasn’t even the main villain. Him and Harley’s relationship was cute though and the way they called each other “Pudding” was adorable. When it ended Z, Kiara, and I all bolted to the bathroom and I’d thought Sam and Sophia were behind us but they weren’t. When we came out they were no where to be seen so I called her and she confessed that she had thought we had left and they were outside. We joined them and walked around the mall talking about the movie. Sam was a little bit more open and talkative (I guess because now we all had something to relate on?)

I told Sophia before I left that we would have to do something before school starts (and I also hope she gives me back the two books I let her borrow: “Love Letters To The Dead” my favorite and “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner” a mini Twilight story).