Boston Part 2, My Wife, And WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

I slept really well that night in my new hotel room alone. For dinner I’d spent ten bucks on a salad that was too spicy for me and a few dollars on a bottle of water that in the end I couldn’t open and just left it on my dresser when I packed up and left. When I was ridgng in the elevator with my big suitcase and my camera bag slung over my shoulder, this Japanese couple was looking at me up and down  a lot with disapproval and disgust written all over their faces. I don’t know what they thought was going on. Maybe they thought I was running away or it was a one night stand kind of thing ?

Anyways.

I sat outside waiting for the taxi man to come while the Japanese man smoked a cigarette. When the taxi man  pulled up I hopped in and he asked me several times if I was the one who called him in broken English. I only had 30 dollars and owed him more when we reached the airport but he was fine with it. Passing though security was so scary. I was shaking and looked guilty as hell. I thought they wouldn’t let me onboard (no ID, no passport, no parents=suspicous). But the man at the desk told me I could move on once I told him I was sixteen. I called Amanda when I was waiting for my flight because I’d arrived hours earlier because I had figured there would have been trouble. I told her everything at Jord, and I think she was disappointed that we didn’t kiss or anything because I could hear it in her voice when I said so, and that kind of made me feel a little bad. The flight was fine. I sat next to a Dad and his little son and mostly read. I suddenly realized something in the plane though. Oscar, the taxi driver who’s driven my Dad to the airport numerous times and I’ve known since I was little, had the wrong information. I had told him I’d be landing at 12:20 which I was, IN DALLAS. Not my hometown! I was thinking Oh I’ll call him as soon as I land. And guess who forgot. I didn’t even turn my phone on. So when I did land home at about 6 or 7 because we were delayed due to weather I had about ten voicemails from him. I felt so and immediately called him back and explained. He misunderstood again and thought I meant that I was still in Dallas and coming home tomorrow because I’d been delayed. I texted him telling him that no I was actually home and it was all fine and I was really sorry for all the trouble but he never responded. I also called and left him a voice mail. I feel so bad.

My Dad thinks I’m a complete 100% idiot. He was all like WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING YOUR ID?? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? GOD YOU NEED TO THINK!! I know, I know. I’m just used to only ever having it at school, it stays in my school bag. I thought since I was a minor it was fine, which it was but I was still making dumb mistakes. For example: today. When I was cleaning the kitchen counter Dad specifically told me to take out the papers on the couch into the recycling bin and pointed in the direction of the couch but since I was in the kitchen I didn’t see exactly where he was pointing. When he left to get Sam I picked up “the trash” and threw it in the recycling bin. When Dad got home he say the “paper trash” on the couch and the paper bills gone. He started screaming at me and I just grabbed them from the recycling bin. They were all fine as I’d set them down gently and in one piece. He was saying YOU ARE JUST SO- and then closed his mouth and shook his head.

Okay, I know I’m dumb.

And my neighbor had me come over today so she could show me what to do in her garden when she goes on her trip and she was treating me like I was stupid too. She’s extremely particular about everything down there. She wanted me to hang up her hose a certain way and turn this brick when I turned on the main water power and to get a timer and time exactly how long to water each plant for and she has a million down there, no joke. She told me on average it took her 4 hours to water everything. She said when she was handling the timer: But you probably won’t get it. (??You only had to hit two buttons: Start and stop). When I was walking backwards so I could unravel the hose and make sure it wasn’t caught in anything she shook her head at me and said: “Thats unnatural. Don’t do that.” And when she said, “Turn the nozzle counter clockwise, you know like this.” And I said, “Okay.” She gave me the strangest look and said, “You’re just like okay??” (What?) And when she was asking me a math question that took me a minute to get because she was wording it in a very strange way I suddenly understood what she was saying and said, “Oh. Four gallons.” And the look on her face was complete surprise and she said, “Very good!” It was almost like I was reading her thoughts like: Oh so she can do math!! I’m probably being sensitive but just seriously my Dad treats me the exact same way so I know she’s doing it because he’s doing it too. My neighbor also told me that if I killed any of the planet her and her husband would be really mad and she wouldn’t ever ever ever forgive me. Thats when I decided: nope I was out. I said, “Okay well maybe you should have someone who’s more familiar with your garden. I don’t want to mess it up.” (Very politely.) And she said she was really disappointed but she understood. It was also because she wanted me to water certain trees but not other ones and they all looked the same. We talked a little about the car insurance thing and she told me to just get another job and pay for it on my own or try to meet Dad halfway which I know Dad won’t go for. I could try to get another job I supposed but its so late in summer already and with school starting soon I just don’t know if I can handle doing school and working at the same time, which makes me sound very lazy. I also just couldn’t help but think about something my friend Amanda said to me once, its been bugging me for months and sometimes it just pops up, I was asking her if her boyfriend Trevor who’s one of those extremely-smart-without-trying- owns-his -own- Quran -just -for -fun -kids liked me because I had a feeling he didn’t and she said that he did he just noticed that around him Amanda acted more like him and more smart and articulate and around me she was more “ditzy”. I really don’t want to be behind on driving and waiting until I’m 18 sucks, it makes me behind all my friends and it makes me harder for me to go places and do things with people. You can’t bike everywhere.

I went to the beach with my “wife” (what I call her) Kiara today. We swam in the water for a few hours and got some boba. The tide was really high and the waves were massive. My bathing suit is a little loose and I have a feeling I may or may not have flashed some people. Dad and Sam came a little later to play some frisbee and they brought the dog for me and Kiara to walk. I’m glad that I got outside and hung out with a friend but I feel like the second I’m alone and in my room I feel so unproductive and stupid and like I’m wasting my life and theres so many thing I want to do and could do if I was just someone else. I know that life could be so much worse. I’m being selfish. And I never want to be that. I need to change.

Some good news: my iron levels are back to normal.

Bad news: Dads still obsessed with my weight.

Boston, Dutch Boys, And Not Wanting To Go Home

This was all written in advance while I was in Boston. I wrote everything down on my phone and on this little notepad I took from The Inn at Longwood Medical. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong, actually went wrong on this trip. But a lot of good things happened too. I seriously just got back to my hometown, and I’ve only been here for about 5 minutes and Sam’s already had a go at me. Anyways, here it is (the good, the bad, and the really bad):

I have a problem right now. First of all I have a bag of protein powder that looks like coccaine that I just ditched into the hotels trash can, which I’m alone at by the way, I don’t have my ID or passport and security might not let me board the plane for my flight home tomorrow. Let me backup and explain: So last night I met Jord (Dad’s coworkers son). His name is pronounced like Yooooord. I had gotten lost in the city of Boston trying to find my way back to the Marriot Hotel. I was hot, extremely  thirsty, and sweaty. I cannot for the life of me figure out maps. I always end up turning the wrong way somehow. I was kind of freaking out because it was starting to get dark and I kept asking people on the street for directions and got different opinions on where to go. My phone rang and it was a number I didn’t recognize but I answered it anyways because Dad had told me Jord might call me to meet up when he lands. On the phone his accent was so strong I could barely understand anything he was saying. He wanted to meet for dinner and inside I was like NOOOOOOOO!!! because I just felt so gross and it had been a long day. I’d done the entire freedom trail which is only a total of 4 miles but by getting lost I’m thinking I did about 7-8 miles. I walked up 254 steps just to get to the top of a monument that was a crowded room with a few windows. Shortly after we said goodbye and I told him I’d call him if I ever made it back, lo behold I found the hotel. I’d called Scout during this whole situation of wandering the streets and such and she was tracking me from Boston on google maps all the way in Morro Bay. I ran into that sweet sweet air conditioning and then tried to call Jord to tell him I was back at the hotel but my phone wouldn’t let me call or text his European number. Which is weird because I can call/text my Nana all the way in Australia. So I called the front desk and they connected me to their room and we decided to meet in 30 minutes. I took a wicked fast shower and was stuck between deciding to wear my wrinkly but cute red tank top or my green top with the back straps. I went with the green and headed down to the lobby “early” where he already was waiting. I just saw a tall guy with somewhat pale skin and blonde hair that was kind of gelled back in a messy but presentable way who was looking around when I got out of the elevators. I was kind of really nervous because meeting people is not my strong suit. I automatically assume that they hate me or I’m doing everything wrong but I went up to him and said, “Hi, are you-?”

And he shook my hand and said, “Yes.” In a funny Dutch accent. I also hate shaking peoples hands because I have hyperhydrosis so mine’s always sweaty which is extremely embarrassing. I asked him where he wanted to go for dinner and he shrugged and replied that he’d just follow me (considering my sense of direction, bad idea). I asked him a lot about the Netherlands and he was a pretty funny guy. Always cracking jokes and kind of teasing me. I told him everything, the getting lost and the part where I dropped and cracked a bit of my phone screen. The thing about Dutch people is that they are really direct. He laughed and said, “You’re so clumsy!” (True) and then we had dinner. He got a steak and I got some soup and we just talked a lot about things and then when the waitress came with the check I just put it all on my debit card (60 dollars plus tip), but I didn’t mind because my Dad’s paying me back anyway. He tried to pay though. We walked back to the hotel and thankfully did not get lost. When I said bye at the elevators because I was going to floor 8 and he was going to floor 25 and they had weird elevators where you don’t push you’re floor number in the elevator, you click on you’re floor number on a little computer and it directs you to different elevators according to that. He was like “Noooooo!” when we  said bye. I told him I’d probably go for a swim later that night and he said he was just going to crash into bed because it was nine hours ahead for him.

The next morning my Dad woke me up at 6:45 while he was getting ready for his big meeting presentation. (Also he’d snored all night). Since I was too awake to go back to bed, plus the dreaded curtain had been drawn, I showered and walked to Smoothie King and back. Jord and I were going to meet at ten to spend the day together until 4. The plan was to go paddle boarding but in the end we couldn’t find it and he wasn’t really into it so we crossed this long bridge of death and explored MIT. We even went on the roof for about two seconds. I asked him a lot of random things like biggest fears and whatnot (He’s scared of heights but not airplanes. I’m scared of sharks.) There were a million bikes parked at MIT and he joked about “borrowing” one like they do in the Netherlands. We crossed over the bridge of death again and I decided to take him downtown where all the action was. We went to Boston Common park and chilled underneath a tree because the heat was getting to us. He called me a 3 year old because I’m ‘short’ and I told him it wasn’t my fault he was freakishly tall and I was funsized. I showed him pictures of family and friends and random things on my phone because I didn’t really know what to say.We had a stick war sword fight and also threw leaves at each other and we both tried to push each other in the sprinklers. (In the end I actually just walked into them myself to cool down). At one point he stole my phone and unlocked it because I stupidly said my pin code as I typed it. I was freaking out because he was going through my search history and I look up some really really weird extremely personal things online so I was running around him in circles trying to get it back. He gave it back after spamming it with photos of me and a squirrel that had stopped in front of us. He patted my head and said I was so “cute”. His accent was freaking adorable and he used British slang when he talked in English which just made everything better. I took him to the Quincy market and got some fro-yo and he tried lemonade for the first time ever (its not a thing where he’s from) and liked it so much he bought it 3 times. He called it “lemon juice”. We explored the windows store and sat on these weird round chairs and watched a really funny but racist street show where they pulled up all different kinds of ethnicity and people up to dance to songs they chose. When it got closer to 4 we started to head back (after another lemonade stop). Something interesting happened at the lemonade stand. The girl working there had a Cuban accent and she asked us where we were from and such and at one point I heard “Are you having a good day ?” And Jord said, “No.” and I said, “Yes. Well, I don’t know about him.” And he gave me a really strange look. The look and the “no” was because HE heard “Are you having a good DATE?” So when we started to walk away he asked, “This is a date?” And I looked at him like he was crazy and said, “What? No???” And he said, “But you said yes!” And then we figured out what happened. We still don’t know if she actually was saying “day” or “date”. Anyways he teased me about it and everytime he made a joke about it I’d say “NO!” and he’d say, “Oh no! Rejected again!” But something had changed because when we sat down at the same park but a different tree he sat really really close to me to a point where his legs were touching mine and he was touching my hair more and putting his arm around me in a teasing way. Maybe I was looking too much into it.

Like I’ve said before, my Dad’s strict on time. But ironically at exactly four o clock he was not in the lobby like he said he was and he wasn’t answering the phone so Jord and I took our lemonade and explored the mall at the hotel. The hotel mall is only full of extremely expensive stores like Gucci and Tiffanys. We went into this one bag store he said was awesome and the tiniest little purse was 195 dollars (after the sales guy told us this we both looked at each other and walked out). Also we passed by a Victorias Secret where he joked that he needed a new bra. (I recommended a push up bra, haha.) Then Dad called me and we went back down the escalators and Yord met Dad again and they talked about the giant gummy bear his Dad Yos had brought back from LA when he was last with me and Dad and the hard to blow out birthday candles Dad had sent them one year. I shook Jord’s hand goodbye and he’d requested on my phone to follow his instagram (but it was my private instagram where all the weird and stupid things were :0). Seriously about a minute after Jord left, his Dad entered the hotel and I shook his hand again and felt super awkward like I always do around Dad’s. And then one of Dad’s business associates came over and I had to go through that whole process over again. Then Dad and I left for the new hotel. I should have been staying in the Marriot but Dad forgot that I fly back home the day after he flys to Washington for another meeting so he only booked it up until his stay and the Marriot couldn’t extend our stay because they were overcrowded from all the people coming over to watch the Red Socks game. So we found a different hotel in a different area of Boston that was legit for old people and was in the medical side of town and near Harvard. Also can I just say it looked EXACTLY like the shining. Dad left me there because he had to go catch his flight to Washington and I had to spend the night alone in that creepy hotel. It was somewhat okay though because I called Scout and we talked for a while and Yord DMed me on Instagram and we talked for while too.

I haven’t even gotten to the part where everything starts to go downhill but I’m just so tired and I have to shower this airplane smell off of me and walk Olivia then go to bed.

Realizing I have no one

I’m not a perfect person. I realize that. I know that I’ve made mistakes. I’m not the “sweetest” or the “cutest” like some people think I am. I don’t really have any real friends. Theres no one that I have that I can text all the time who I know will respond or theres no one that I know is always free and down to hang out and maybe go kick it at the beach and eat some frozen yogurt. This whole entire week I’ve been trying to plan things with friends and either no one answers there phone or they are all on vacation or they just say oh sorry I’m busy and never talk to me again. I texted this one girl that I was friends with since preschool and she said “Yeah when I get back from my vacation I’ll text you!” She’s been back for about a week, she posts stuff on instagram of her going out with friends and watching movies and things. I ate lunch with her during the school year and I was always trying to reach out to her but she always just wasn’t including me and would make plans with her other friends while I was sitting right there. We had one sleepover this year and she spent most of it on her phone. I kept texting and inviting her to go do something over winter break and even sent her a merry christmas text and nothing. Only I know she got it because she posts on instagram several times a day. I texted another friend who’s in Mexico, another friend who’s always buys going to parties or hanging out with her band, another friend that was in cross country and track with me, I texted Amanda but she’s just so busy with her boyfriend and I feel like she’s mad or trying to avoid me or something, and the last person I texted is always busy with her dance team.

It probably my fault. Maybe its karma or maybe its because when I’m depressed I push people away so maybe they’ve decided its time to cut me off too. Everyone is out living there lives and doing something interesting or creating something and I’m here in my pajamas locked in my room at 1:23 in the afternoon. I went through all my contacts and realized that most of these people were people that I hadn’t talked to in years and am not friends with anymore. They’ve all moved on with there lives and I’m left behind. I know this sounds dramatic, just because I couldn’t do anything with anyone for a week but I’ve felt this way for years. I always am the one having to reach out to do things with people, and when they agree I feel like its just because they have nothing better to do.

Yesterday after Sam was screaming at me for the whole giving away the stuffed animal thing I just left the house. I was wishing that I had someone ANYONE to go to and just talk to and there was no one. My Dad doesn’t care, I told him all about it and he knows how hard she is on me and he just doesn’t want to get involved. So I walked all the way down to the beach, got some take out dinner, and walked back. I got a lot of looks from people driving. I was seriously the only one walking. They were probably wondering why I was alone and if I had any friends. I’m just so socially awkward that whenever I try to meet new people I kind of just shut down and close myself off, even to people that I’ve known for a while. I try to act all happy and bubbly whenever I do see “friends” but then I just feel fake because my hearts not in it and its never been. I’ve been depressed for 3 years. I know that sounds so weak and stupid but its true. Anyways so I left. And while I was walking I was thinking about everything and nothing. Theres just no point. Theres nothing special or unique about me, I have zero talent in anything. I’m too needy and too sad and too ugly and too dumb and just too much of everything to ever have any worth.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way and trying to change it and it never getting better. And I’m sorry if this is annoying to anyone or if you feel like I’m too whiny or something. You can just unfollow me if you want. Its not like anyone is even going to care though, lets be honest. And no, this isn’t for attention. This is how I feel. I started this blog so I could write down how I was feeling and everything going on in my life.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if you have any real friends, never ever let them go.

I’m also sorry for posting so much, I’m just really fucking lonely.