I’m not a perfect person. I realize that. I know that I’ve made mistakes. I’m not the “sweetest” or the “cutest” like some people think I am. I don’t really have any real friends. Theres no one that I have that I can text all the time who I know will respond or theres no one that I know is always free and down to hang out and maybe go kick it at the beach and eat some frozen yogurt. This whole entire week I’ve been trying to plan things with friends and either no one answers there phone or they are all on vacation or they just say oh sorry I’m busy and never talk to me again. I texted this one girl that I was friends with since preschool and she said “Yeah when I get back from my vacation I’ll text you!” She’s been back for about a week, she posts stuff on instagram of her going out with friends and watching movies and things. I ate lunch with her during the school year and I was always trying to reach out to her but she always just wasn’t including me and would make plans with her other friends while I was sitting right there. We had one sleepover this year and she spent most of it on her phone. I kept texting and inviting her to go do something over winter break and even sent her a merry christmas text and nothing. Only I know she got it because she posts on instagram several times a day. I texted another friend who’s in Mexico, another friend who’s always buys going to parties or hanging out with her band, another friend that was in cross country and track with me, I texted Amanda but she’s just so busy with her boyfriend and I feel like she’s mad or trying to avoid me or something, and the last person I texted is always busy with her dance team.
It probably my fault. Maybe its karma or maybe its because when I’m depressed I push people away so maybe they’ve decided its time to cut me off too. Everyone is out living there lives and doing something interesting or creating something and I’m here in my pajamas locked in my room at 1:23 in the afternoon. I went through all my contacts and realized that most of these people were people that I hadn’t talked to in years and am not friends with anymore. They’ve all moved on with there lives and I’m left behind. I know this sounds dramatic, just because I couldn’t do anything with anyone for a week but I’ve felt this way for years. I always am the one having to reach out to do things with people, and when they agree I feel like its just because they have nothing better to do.
Yesterday after Sam was screaming at me for the whole giving away the stuffed animal thing I just left the house. I was wishing that I had someone ANYONE to go to and just talk to and there was no one. My Dad doesn’t care, I told him all about it and he knows how hard she is on me and he just doesn’t want to get involved. So I walked all the way down to the beach, got some take out dinner, and walked back. I got a lot of looks from people driving. I was seriously the only one walking. They were probably wondering why I was alone and if I had any friends. I’m just so socially awkward that whenever I try to meet new people I kind of just shut down and close myself off, even to people that I’ve known for a while. I try to act all happy and bubbly whenever I do see “friends” but then I just feel fake because my hearts not in it and its never been. I’ve been depressed for 3 years. I know that sounds so weak and stupid but its true. Anyways so I left. And while I was walking I was thinking about everything and nothing. Theres just no point. Theres nothing special or unique about me, I have zero talent in anything. I’m too needy and too sad and too ugly and too dumb and just too much of everything to ever have any worth.
I’m just so tired of feeling this way and trying to change it and it never getting better. And I’m sorry if this is annoying to anyone or if you feel like I’m too whiny or something. You can just unfollow me if you want. Its not like anyone is even going to care though, lets be honest. And no, this isn’t for attention. This is how I feel. I started this blog so I could write down how I was feeling and everything going on in my life.
Basically what I’m trying to say is if you have any real friends, never ever let them go.
I’m also sorry for posting so much, I’m just really fucking lonely.
Simply Trying To Be Me 