Realizing I have no one

I’m not a perfect person. I realize that. I know that I’ve made mistakes. I’m not the “sweetest” or the “cutest” like some people think I am. I don’t really have any real friends. Theres no one that I have that I can text all the time who I know will respond or theres no one that I know is always free and down to hang out and maybe go kick it at the beach and eat some frozen yogurt. This whole entire week I’ve been trying to plan things with friends and either no one answers there phone or they are all on vacation or they just say oh sorry I’m busy and never talk to me again. I texted this one girl that I was friends with since preschool and she said “Yeah when I get back from my vacation I’ll text you!” She’s been back for about a week, she posts stuff on instagram of her going out with friends and watching movies and things. I ate lunch with her during the school year and I was always trying to reach out to her but she always just wasn’t including me and would make plans with her other friends while I was sitting right there. We had one sleepover this year and she spent most of it on her phone. I kept texting and inviting her to go do something over winter break and even sent her a merry christmas text and nothing. Only I know she got it because she posts on instagram several times a day. I texted another friend who’s in Mexico, another friend who’s always buys going to parties or hanging out with her band, another friend that was in cross country and track with me, I texted Amanda but she’s just so busy with her boyfriend and I feel like she’s mad or trying to avoid me or something, and the last person I texted is always busy with her dance team.

It probably my fault. Maybe its karma or maybe its because when I’m depressed I push people away so maybe they’ve decided its time to cut me off too. Everyone is out living there lives and doing something interesting or creating something and I’m here in my pajamas locked in my room at 1:23 in the afternoon. I went through all my contacts and realized that most of these people were people that I hadn’t talked to in years and am not friends with anymore. They’ve all moved on with there lives and I’m left behind. I know this sounds dramatic, just because I couldn’t do anything with anyone for a week but I’ve felt this way for years. I always am the one having to reach out to do things with people, and when they agree I feel like its just because they have nothing better to do.

Yesterday after Sam was screaming at me for the whole giving away the stuffed animal thing I just left the house. I was wishing that I had someone ANYONE to go to and just talk to and there was no one. My Dad doesn’t care, I told him all about it and he knows how hard she is on me and he just doesn’t want to get involved. So I walked all the way down to the beach, got some take out dinner, and walked back. I got a lot of looks from people driving. I was seriously the only one walking. They were probably wondering why I was alone and if I had any friends. I’m just so socially awkward that whenever I try to meet new people I kind of just shut down and close myself off, even to people that I’ve known for a while. I try to act all happy and bubbly whenever I do see “friends” but then I just feel fake because my hearts not in it and its never been. I’ve been depressed for 3 years. I know that sounds so weak and stupid but its true. Anyways so I left. And while I was walking I was thinking about everything and nothing. Theres just no point. Theres nothing special or unique about me, I have zero talent in anything. I’m too needy and too sad and too ugly and too dumb and just too much of everything to ever have any worth.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way and trying to change it and it never getting better. And I’m sorry if this is annoying to anyone or if you feel like I’m too whiny or something. You can just unfollow me if you want. Its not like anyone is even going to care though, lets be honest. And no, this isn’t for attention. This is how I feel. I started this blog so I could write down how I was feeling and everything going on in my life.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if you have any real friends, never ever let them go.

I’m also sorry for posting so much, I’m just really fucking lonely.

Friends, The Last Day of Normal School, and Loneliness

I’m almost crying as I type this and before you make any assumptions-no nothing bad happened. I’m almost crying because the pho I’m eating is SUPER spicy. This is what they consider to be low spice ??!

Today was the last day of “normal” school. Meaning when we are our normal schedule (AKA the last day before finals.) I feel kind of like a cheat. The only final I have is Math, which is tomorrow. I don’t have to take my French final because Madame Lee (God Bless you Madame Lee) decided that if you have an A you pretty much know French so you don’t need to take it. There is no Biology final. The English “final” was today when we took a test on Oedipus the King and it was really easy. I already took the AP World final back in May and I get the results in July. For the track/field final I’ll probably just walk around for two hours since I’m technically still not supposed to run. So tomorrow is French and Math. I don’t know what I’ll do for two hours in French (maybe I’ll read a book and draw) and for Math I’ll just try to do my best. Math isn’t my best subject but I’m not completely terrible at it. I’ve studied a bit for it today. I’ve decided to just not stress out about it, I’ve done that pretty much this whole year. Also on Friday I’m going with my friend Jessica to a spaghetti dinner fundraiser for our vice principal who has brain cancer. He’s not doing good. He had to leave school a few months ago and is now on hospice. I only met him once, Freshman year when I came into his office to get switched out of my math class into a new one. He was really nice and helpful, even though I was complaining about it. I want to support and help him. The day he was leaving school everyone in their classes made cards for him and bought gifts. I gave him a bag of candy and a little teddy bear. He has two children, and he’s married.

At lunch today I kept thinking about how this was the last day of sitting here eating lunch with these people: Emma,  Jessica, Salam, and Owen. I’m friends with Jessica and Emma, definitely. Honestly though, I don’t feel that close to them. Salam and Owen I think are my friends. We aren’t that close. I kept trying to relate to them and get closer with them but it was kind of hard. I got Salam’s number today though. I don’t think she will text me. I wonder where I’ll sit next year. I feel like I was the outsider of my lunch group. Alli and Patrick and them all went out and did things together, and I wasn’t invited. Also I saw posts on Instagram of Alli, Salam, and Owen hanging out and they are really exclusive. I kind of always felt like I was just simply “there”. Don’t get me wrong I loved how funny they were at lunch and I felt a lot more included their than where I was sitting at for most of the year. But still, here I am, the outsider. Still. I’m trying hard to break out of that but its not working. I have a  feeling I won’t be seeing any of them much over summer. It’s okay, I do have other friends. I guess though what I’m trying to say is that I always feel so alone. Even now. Dad and Sam are out right now to Sam’s senior recognition thing and I’m here eating dinner alone on my laptop. Usually I do eat dinner alone even if they are here, Dad likes to watch the news while he eats dinner and Sam watches tv on her laptop. Its frustrating because I also feel like screaming because no one seems to be listening. Example: I was talking to Dad about my day as we were walking home today (the car died on us) and he wasn’t listening or paying attention. He just kept silent the whole time and I would pause and wait for him to say anything and……

So then I said “You don’t really say much do you Dad?” because this is pretty typical of him and he said “I just have a lot more important things on my mine right now.” Which is his standard response at anytime. I know he cares about me to some degree, but also I get that feeling again with him just like I do at school, that I’m just “here” but not really “here”. I know this is weird, but I’m trying to explain how it is. Then I feel kind of let down because all the thoughts keep creeping in like: you’re stupid. just shut up. No one cares what you think. No one cares about anything you’re saying right now. You don’t matter. Nobody cares about it and nobody will. You’re always going to be like this. And then I have to mentally tell my inner troll to shut up. God, I feel really selfish now for everything that I just said but its true. Its how I feel 24/7. Like in Track today I was walking around and participating in the non running activity with some girls I’m friends with and I would do pushups and sit ups and jumping jacks with them and then I would sit down and wait and watch them do their 100 meter strides. I was thinking about all this as I saw them run away, there I was again being left behind. If I was there or not it wouldn’t have made any difference. These are all the depressing thoughts/feelings I had way back in 7th and 8th grade when I was really depressed. I still carry them with me, but I’m happy to say that at least I’m a lot happier then I was in middle school.

Okay I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that I wish I had someone. Someone who I knew really loved me. Someone who really listened and really cared and would take care of me no matter what. Someone that I know that I can trust with anything. Someone to hold my hand when I’m unsteady, to hug me when I’m sad, and kisses me. The way everything is looking right now though….I wouldn’t exactly be surprised if I was the crazy cat lady who lives alone with twenty other cats and when she dies of old age the cats eat her and so no one knows that she’s actually dead.

The Worst Day of My Life

If you know me, you know I run. If you know me, you know that I suck now. If you know me, you probably don’t know why. As my coach likes to ask, “Whats wrong with you?” I give the usual, “I don’t know.”

But I think I do know.

Freshman year of high school, I go into cross country and track with my two friends. We all grow close and become the best freshman runners on the team, we make varsity, we win medals, and we stick together every race.

Freshman year of high school, I’m constantly hearing about how thin I am and how surely I must be anorexic and I’m constantly overwhelmed with comments like, “For a small person, you sure eat a lot!!” “Wow, are YOU really going to eat all of that?” “You eat a lot.” “Your lucky you have a fast metabolism.” Its not like I haven’t heard all of this before, believe me I have, but all of a sudden that year instead of shrugging it off like I used to and moving on, it hits me hard. Suddenly I don’t feel like eating as much, suddenly I’m tired of hearing what my friends and family think about my body. Enter the world of anorexia (even if I didn’t know it at the time.) I kept a food journal, would count calories obsessively I would eat around 900-1000 a day and any day I ate over that I would be so mad. I weighed myself several times a day, I continued running and I refused to eat anything with carbs or sugar.

I lost  some weight and went down to about 88-89 pounds.

And then I hear comments from people like “You look so pretty.” And now I’m confused because if what I’m doing to my body is bad, why are people telling me I look so good?

Then I have to deal with people begging me to eat more, the hypocrites.

Sophomore year, this year, it is the opposite. Instead of eating less, I eat more. At night, I go through chips and ice cream  and mountains upon mountains of food to the point of sickness. Several times I’ve even thrown up. And its affecting my running. Badly.

Let me tell you something. At our first home meet a few weeks ago I was put in the mile and two mile and I was so nervous I wanted to hurl. I’d been sucking at practice and was doing so bad and coming in last in everything that I knew this would be terrible. I’ve slowed down, so much that its not even funny. My coach has lost hope in me, he doesn’t even try to yell at me go to faster than my slow jog. At the race, as predicted, I was way in the back for the mile and I didn’t even finish. On my third lap, I couldn’t breathe, and gave up.

Do you know how humiliating it is for you classmates and friends and family to see you like that? Throughout the day I got confused looks and hugs from friends and anger from my coach and I just wanted to cry. Running has become so hard for me, I feel like I’ve gained 50 pounds and everything holding me back. My weight has pretty much remained the same despite my binging, but my mood, my health, my running, its all going downhill so quickly. We have another meet the day we get back from spring break, and once again I’m going to be the slowest and be hating every second of it. No one expects me to do good anymore, no one says much to me at all. Its painful to be trying to hard and then see others easily pass by you.

I’m scared. I’m so scared you guys. I think I’ve screwed my body up. I think I have diabetes. I think I’m going to lose all my teeth. And I think theres something wrong with my heart. I think I’ve lost my self respect, too.

And I’ve been avoiding you.

And I’m sorry.