My First Medal (Sort Of)

Junior year is definitely the busiest year. This year I take my SATS, get my drivers license, and start to narrow down colleges. I remembered today after recording something in my Daily Journal for AP English just how important it is to document everything. I want to write about everything, big or small, so I can remember it. Even if it doesn’t seem important at the time, I want to sit there when my hair is grey and my body is old and covered with wrinkles and taste how everything was once upon a time.

So here’s what you have missed future me:

1)  Right now you have an 84% in Honors Chem. You’re terrified that it’s going to drop soon. So far you’ve been getting C’s and one D on the tests. You hate Chemistry. Biology was a lot better for you.

2) You’re trying to apply for CFS Club (California Federal Scholarship). It looks good for college, but you’ve got a lot of competition and don’t feel involved enough to get in. You’re friend Amanda has been involved in a million extra curricular activities for years and you regret not starting something sooner. (LEARN from this).

3) You love AP English. Your teacher, Beltran, is the coolest. You don’t write essays in her class. She doesn’t call on people. She wants people to come out of their shell on their own and force themselves to present and be brave enough to break their own hearts. Everyday in class you dance before you start whatever you’re doing (Ted Talk Tuesday, annotating everything, reading little snippets of books you now crave to read like “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs” and “Tiny Beautiful Things”.  That class relaxes you so much. You feel better afterwards and it helps you with getting through Honors Chemistry.

4) You don’t like Math anymore. It was something you were okay at last year (I mean you have been getting A’s but that doesn’t mean you fully understand it). Now its confusing. The teacher you have now is fresh out of college and explains things without following through all the way. Today you took your first group quiz and you and your good friend Emma were practically doing all the work. The boy who was “working” with you (Charlie) is someone you’ve known since Elementary school. He’s grown up into an arrogant egotistical jackass. He’s always flexing and checking out his muscles in class and stretching and bending his head on your desk (sometimes you pull it back and when he gives you a look say, “Oops sorry.” ((but we all know you aren’t)). The other girl Willa means well, but she doesn’t really get it. You and Emma do  problem 8 the hard way, twice, when the formula with the shortcut was literally right there all along. You guys come in during lunch and realize you’re mistake and also realize that if your two and been positive instead of negative you would have gotten the right answer instead of remainder 848. Yesterday your math teacher cried during class giving the news that an African American man had been shot by a police officer on unlawful terms. You thought he was faking it at first and almost laughed, but then you felt really bad when you realized he wasn’t acting.

5) On your last race you “technically” got a medal. You came in 28th place in the race out of like a hundred or more schools. You aren’t on Varsity anymore, but that’s okay. The girls on Varsity now are mostly Sophomores who spend their weekends doing Triathlons. In this particular race there was this terrible dusty hill in Morley Field. You actually stuck with Amanda pretty well even though hills are your weakness and you usually catch up with her on the downhill. The top 9 girls got disqualified for accidentally cutting it short since the man who was supposed to be directing them was on his phone. They also mixed up handing out the medals so they took the 20-and beyond medals saying they’d sort it out. You knew that wasn’t going to happen because a lot of girls had already left with the wrong medals. You turned in the 49th place medal you were given anyway. You were kind of really disappointed about it but then you realized it was a just a piece of plastic, who cares?

6) Tomorrow you are going to be wearing a dress. You haven’t worn dresses since kindergarten.

7) You’re favorite song right now is “In My Mind”.

8) You broke your phone last Monday. It was a rainy day. You’re alarm went off at 6:05, you disabled it and when you set it down on the bathroom counter you knocked it over with your hand and the LSD cracked. The screen went dark but your alarm and notifications still worked. The screen wouldn’t work. You told your parents a few days later, swearing that all you did was drop it (which was true) but they were skeptical and thought you must have done something more damaging. For a few days you had no phone, and you actually were okay. Your Mom is pissed at you, but she bought you a new one. Don’t break this one. Also, its your early and only Christmas present. Merry Christmas! (You also scared your friend Scout when she suddenly couldn’t reach you. She got Fernando to investigate you. You didn’t recognize him without his glasses).

9) You used to go to bed at 9:30, but now you go to bed at 11:30. You also used to eat dinner at 6:30, now its 7 or 8.

10) APUSH is totally boring. The lessons are a waste a time and unproductive. Mostly the teacher just asks you about the day and asks a bunch of questions about politics and the modern world and its nothing to do with history. You wish you could just do the three hours of homework from that class in the class. You’ve realized that a lot of old people who are lonely become teachers because they just want someone to talk to. Maybe their kids have all moved out of the house and are too busy with their lives or maybe their spouse died or maybe they have no kids. Maybe thats why they talk so much about opinions and things, so that students are forced to listen to them and hear them. You don’t want to be like that when your old, but maybe its inevitable.

11) Every Friday in AP English you have SAS presentations (Stuff About Stuff). It’s a free topic. You bring something interesting to show the class and present about it for no more than 5 minutes. It could be an article, about anything, as long as its not a waste of time for you or the class. And as long as it interests you. You forced yourself to go last Friday when you presented about a drug that cures fear and implanting false memories into a mouse. You were completely terrified to go. You emailed the teacher the night before (she wants students to send her emails about anything/everything) saying you were hesitant and she replied saying Get into the arena girl! Just do it!  You thought you gave a terrible presentation even though you didn’t stumble. You brought a picture of your dog to give people something to look at. Cel, this completely erratic and outgoing friend, told you you did great, which made you feel good. Even Beltran commented saying, “Meghan you did great, Brandon you get a star, and Katherine you seemed nervous but you got one too.” You can sit out the one tomorrow even though you have an idea for the next on (Synesthesia).

12) Also on race days (usually Fridays) your “secret” pal gives you the coolest gifts. You know its Amanda, only she would buy you Starbucks coffee, wrap up the gifts so cutely and give you gatorade with a sticker that says PROPERTY OF A BOSS ASS BITCH and give you a bag of glitter that says 100% ORGANIC UNBLEACHED GRASS FED  CAGE FREE UNICORN ESSENCE. Only she would buy you a water bottle that you’ve needed for ever, get you sweet potato chips, and buy you chocolate panda’s (because Panda is the nickname for your current crush. Only you don’t know if you like him or just think he’s cute. You think he likes Meghan. I think you’re right). Amanda tries to act like she isn’t the one who buys these things, but you know its her. She tried to be sneak once by cutting out letters to spell out HAHA I’M SO SNEAKY because you told her you recognized your handwriting. You can tell in her smile and expression that its her when you bring it up. Last time she filled your good luck card with glitter (her signature birthday thing) and you threw it around the air and over your head. When you started your run to the beach you left behind a glitter trail. It took weeks for you to wash it off your hair and get it off your bed, but it was worth it.

13) There’s a heat wave right now. On Monday it was over a hundred degrees which is unusual for where you live. Since it was a “workout” day your Coach had you run to the beach with the impression there would be more running. The whole team rebelled when they got there and swam in the ocean. The water was cold and refreshing. Coach came and made everyone do 8 strides on the wet sand but then you got to swim again afterwards. Then you ran to Jack and the Box with Taylor and got water. Taylor  is a tall Sophomore with really pretty blue-green eyes. She has a twin. You guys walked all the way back because it was too hot to run again.

14) Tomorrow is Friday and on the weekend your going to the beach with Sophia. Hopefully she gives you your books back. You miss “Love Letters To The Dead”.

15) You found out today when you were running to the pier with the team that a boy you’ve known since Elementary school raped a girl. He went to Juvie last year and is back in school. The girl that it happened to switched schools, you don’t know her and your friend didn’t say which you respect. You’re disgusted that he’s back in school. He also dated the friend who told you this briefly, thankfully nothing happened to her because she broke up with him but the girl who was raped didn’t tell your friend what had happened until after your friend had broken things off with him. This is the same guy who stole your lunch in 6th grade and was the first person to call you Anorexic.

16) In your Daily Journal you had to write about your favorite childhood memory and here it is:

I was at the playground sitting by the fence watching all the bees. At seven years old the fate of the bees rested on my tiny shoulders, or so I thought. If I didn’t make sure they were still flying around the purple honeysuckles that grew by the fence, they would perish forever in my mind. First the flowers would die, then the trees would go, then all the plants, and eventually the world would slowly starve and crumble apart piece by piece. I used to scratch SAVE THE BEES into the sand with my dirty fingers. As if merely writing the words would protect them. I didn’t spend all of recess doing this. I’d play on the slide with friends or play four square. Sometimes my friends would sit with me and watch the bees too, but they were scared of their venom and I was not. Sometimes I just sat alone, but I was happy to sit there and observe how delicately they crawled into flowers and then flew away. I almost always made a little time for bee patrol before recess ended. One day I was sitting by the fence wearing this stupid green hat that my Nana had sent and my Mom made me wear outside, half-watching the boys playing soccer on the sand and half-watching my little friends, when one of the boys fell. He’d skidded on the sand trying to kick the ball into the net. I jumped up and helped him hobble over to where I’d been sitting. His knees were dark and crusty with blood. I told him to stay there and then sprinted as fast as I could to the girls washroom. I was actually pretty fast back then. I’d once won a little bubble blower for getting the most laps around the field during our yearly Jog-A-Thon (I wanted the water gun, but the best boy runner got it). The school coach had once called my parents telling them I was born to be a runner after I’d beaten my entire class sprinting a lap around the field. I frantically grabbed a handful of dark brown paper towels, wet two of them, then I burst back into the sunlight towards the hurt boy. This particular boy wasn’t a stranger. We were friends. We didn’t play together at lunch (boys had cooties), but in class we’d play Trouble together and I let him make up fake rules just so he could win the game. He was my first real crush. He had curly brown hair and the biggest brown eyes I’d ever seen framed with thick lashes. I like brown eyes; they’re the kindest eyes.Tragically, he was “dating” (in elementary school terms) one of my best friends, so my “love” was a deep dark secret. Though, I sensed that he liked me too. We were both too shy to do anything about it, but he’d always smile at me and laugh at the dumb jokes I told or funny gestures I’d do just to make him laugh. I told him to use the wet paper towels to mop up the blood then press down on his cuts with the dry ones to stop the bleeding. I felt authorized to instruct him since my own mother was a nurse. As we sat side by side at the fence with the bees buzzing around us he turned to me with a clear look in his eyes and suddenly said, “Katherine, you’re really kind, funny, smart, and…. beautiful.” I could feel my cheeks heat up and a smile spread across my face without my permission. I felt warm inside and my heart was fluttering fast. We didn’t say anything after that. (Although in my seven year old mind I was planning a wedding, three kids, and maybe six or seven dogs). We just sat there, in silence, at the fence, next to the purple honeysuckle flowers with the bees buzzing over our heads, lingering for an endless moment before moving on.

 

You were considering writing about in preschool when you were swinging on the swings in sync with another boy. Your classmates watching and waiting for their turn called it “love swinging”. The boy was looking at you and you were looking at him. You used to close your eyes on swings so you could just feel your body rising up and falling down and being pulled backwards. When you stopped moving your feet, but continued swinging you thought it was God who was pushing your swing. You tried to communicate with him telepathically on the swings. You’d ask: Are you there God? Are you pushing my swing? Is this a sign?  But he never responded to you. After the swing thing, the little boy you were loving swinging with gave you a flower and said that you guys had to get married now. You smiled at him and then ran away because commitment is too much for you.

Weed, Old Friends, And Names

I swear if my parents ever read this and learned what I was planning to do, they’d hit me over the head with a shovel and bury my body in the backyard.

I saw my old friend from middle school for the first time in about two years. She had cut her really curly black hair a little shorter, but other than that looked about the same. We’d been dming each other for a little while trying to plan something and finally this day was one that worked for the both of us. I thought we were going to spend the entire day at the beach so I prepped myself with a massive amount of sunscreen, put a towel and water in my beach bag, brought along my debit card, phone, ect. Sophia was dropped off in the morning by her Mom; her parents remember me from 3 years ago at her birthday party. They remember my “red” hair phase when me and Ella kool-aid dip dyed half of our hair red. I remember Sophia curled my hair that day at her party and I thought I looked so cool with my red hair. In reality, once the red started to fade it became this icky pink color. Also, the whole “dye” was only supposed to last a month and it lasted more than half a year. Ella had this red streak in her hair for years until she dyed her hair completely dark brown. I was worried at first that me and Sophia wouldn’t have much to talk about, but it was alright. She asked a lot about what happened to kids at school she had known and we walked all the way down to the beach. For some reason, dogs kept barking at her. Even when she got to the house, my dog Livers (nickname) tried to attack her at least four times. Livers is a tiny dog so she couldn’t do any damage. Every time we walked by a dog they started to bark and bark and bark. Maybe it was because of the full moon or something. We went to a record store where Sophia bought some old vintage records (she has a record player), a book store where she bought her third copy of Eclipse, and a thrift store where she got this vintage button of President Coolidge for two dollars. All I bought was some sunglasses, but I did look at this locket that was 195 dollars; it was cute but I don’t have 195 dollars and if I did I wouldn’t spend it on a locket. We walked on the pier too where junior lifeguards were training and jumping off the pier and swimming back to the shore. I want to jump off the pier someday, but if you’re caught then you’re fined. We spent about half the day at the beach and then we started to walk home. Sophia had her bathing suit bottoms but not her top because her sister took it with her when she went to Arkansa to visit friends. Otherwise if she had had it, we would have swam. We went to the library and rested our feet because they were sore from all the walking around. I gave a homeless person my water because I felt bad for him and I had coffee. I felt like I talked a lot and I talked really fast too. I don’t know, I was just happy to see her since it had been a while. I finally what the shoes hanging up on signs or telephone wires or trees mean; it means someone who’s selling drugs is around. Sophia told me that she had some weed that she was going to bring. I didn’t know she was into that kind of stuff, and I know that I shouldn’t do anything like that but I’m kind of curious. Weed never killed anyone, its not like coccaine and its not addicting either. I guess I just want to experience it, just once. Next time we go out Sophia said she’d bring some. I let her borrow my two favorite books and gave her some clothes I was going to give away too. At the house we made mac and cheese and started this movie called Nymphomaniac but I kind of got uncomfortable and we just went swimming in the pool instead. I gave her this blue strapless top that is way too big in the chest for me but fit her perfectly. Honestly, I feel like I look like a boy. I don’t have big boobs, and I think I just look too much like my Dad. After swimming it was really late, like 6 o clock and we wandered back into my room and fell asleep on the floor. Well, I didn’t fall asleep, but Sophia was knocked out. I can’t sleep when the suns out; I can’t nap either.

When we were walking we saw a cardboard cut out of Justin Bieber facing us in a window. Also, there was this sparrow we thought was trapped inside of this smoke shop and we were trying to get it outside but the man working there said it was his. We did this thing where we said out names out loud and discussed whether we liked or hated them. We both hate the name Debrah and Lee, but like the name Jasmine. Even as we were laying on the floor resting we kept saying names like “Christopher, Paul, Jared, Kimberly, Auttumn, April, Mariana, Zach….” I think if I have kids I want to have 3 boys. Ben, Zach, and Jake. If I did end up having kids and had girls I think I would name them April, Sam, and Jasmine. Or maybe I’ll foster kids or just adopt them. Its weird to think about that far into the future. Its weird to think about my future self reading this. I wonder if I’ll think past me was an idiot. I wonder if I’ll show this to my grandkids or even my children when I’m old with grey hair and false teeth.

A Bad Poem, Facebook Love, and Band Boys

Last night I was feeling really nostalgic, sleep-deprived, and angry for no reason at all. So I wrote a poem. Its really bad, you have no idea. I’m going to share this terrible poetry written sometime after midnight because it was too hot to sleep and Sam was keeping me up with all the racket she was making in her room.

Ahem,

I’m a quiet person

I always have been

I guess since I’m so quiet 

people have thought

that means its okay to say anything about me that they want 

What kills me is that they think I’m naive enough to not know 

Or maybe they just don’t care that it hurts and that it tears

Me up at night-11 o clock-12 o’clock-2-seven am time to go to school

More things said, more things heard, more thats unspoken

I can’ t stand another word

And those who don’t know me but think that they do (because obviously all rumors must be true)

Who are you to think you know me so well?

Have you been with me somehow throughout my entire sixteen years?

Were you there on the first day of preschool when I cried?

Were you there the first time I tried to run away from home, packed up a little suitcase with my favorite panda and a blanket, then crossed the street and waited for my parents to come to me?

Were you there when I was ten and my parents first divorced and I couldn’t see or speak to my dad for more than a month?

Were you there the next year when my first dog died-she’d gotten bone cancer and my mom didn’t even come to say goodbye?

Were you there after my sister left  first and my mom begged me not to go, not for my sake you see, she just wanted the child support money?

Were you there the day I discovered my bank account was shut down, my college funds were empty and my moms wardrobe had mysteriously grown?

No.

You weren’t there.

Theres still so much that  you don’t know.

And even though I’ve said what I’ve said I’m still just an opinion to you 

Too skinny, too weird, too shy, too sad, too nice, too mean, too fake, too much

Thats only a little of what I’ve been called

But its okay because

I know what I am

And I know what I’m not

 

 

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE

Lets pretend that never happened. Okay? Thanks !

Speaking of things that make you cringe, remember the dude from the Philippines who kept message me on Facebook?

Well he sent me a message after the one that said he wished we could talk more, it said:

Kath, I like you!

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE

I let him down very gently, don’t worry.

Also last night for some reason I was thinking about last year in math class. I sat at this table with two boys. Jake and Braydyn . Jake hated me. He’s friends with all “those” people and he’s just a mean person in general. He was always putting people down in class and thinking he was all that. Braydyn was his friend, but a lot nicer. (And a lot more cuter).   I can do math really quickly if I actually understand what I’m doing, and we were all supposed to work as a “team” but basically I would just finish it all quickly and let them have my paper to copy. Braydyn would actually talk to me and ask me things and he was always saying “Whoa slow down!” Or “How are you already done?” I’m not going to lie, I was so happy that he was there. It made having to deal with Jake a million times better. One time Braydyn was trying to copy my paper while I was still working on it and I guess my hair kind of got in the way of one of the problems he was looking at because he sort of brushed it back so he could see it. Oh my gosh, my cheeks heated up and I felt all tingly and weird. Thats when I knew that I kind of had a crush on him and I think he knew it too because he was always smiling and being so kind to me. He’s in this band apparently and they are kind of famous at our school and they have this whole fangirl thing and actually have a lot of gigs and stuff like that or so I’ve heard. I think something changed though, maybe Jake said something to him a day I wasn’t there or he just kind of decided for himself that he was going to start ignoring me.

But I still remember when we got a new seating chart and I was sent way over to the other side of the room and I heard Jake mouthing off about me and Braydyn said simply “I kind of miss her.”And Jake looked stunned and asked, “Why?” in a really snotty way and Braydyn just shrugged his shoulders. That made me happy too.

I can’t forget how kind he was to me, but I also can’t forget how quickly he pushed me away either.

 

Netflix, School, and Summer

I have Netflix

I repeat: I HAVE NETFLIX.

Yes, I’m really late on the whole Netflix trend thing. My parents are kind of cheap; we don’t even have cable. My Mom decided to get it, I guess because now that she’s kicked the fiancee out she’s going through one of her phases where she spends money without caring. I’m not complaining :). I have so many things to catch up on like The Walking Dead, Pretty Little Liars, ect…

Its a good thing summer is coming because I’m probably going to just have a massive Netflix binge watch.

Speaking of summer, Dad has to go to a business trip in July to Boston. I get to come along! He’s going to be busy a lot so I’ll mostly be going around Boston on my own and sight seeing, but I don’t mind. I’m pretty independent.

Schools coming to a close in exactly 13 days. I’m ready for it to be over. Today was a pretty good day. We were on block schedule so it was periods 1,3, and 7. English was boring, we read Oedipus the King again and it just dragged on and on. For French we had a sub. He was great. He spoke better French than Madame Lee and taught everyone how to say leave me alone (Ca va pas!) with a little hand gesture like shooing away a fly. 7th was cross country and track conditioning. I walked about 6 laps and then me, Amanda, Ariel, Alex, and Morgan walked down to the Coffee bean and then 711. We were going to walk to the beach but we didn’t have enough time.

On Facebook this guy from the Philippines friended me. I accepted and then he messages me thanks for accepting my friend request! We’ve kind of been talking. I was a little weirded out at first. I didn’t know what he wanted…. But I think he just wants to be friends? No weird things? I don’t know maybe its too much to hope for. He just asks about my day and life in California and stuff. I ask him things too. Its fun but I’m still worried that maybe he wants something…But I don’t know. He’s 19. He seems pretty nice. If anything gets weird; I’ll block him.

Secrets, My Happy Place, and The Beach

Today was block schedule at school because all the juniors are testing. For me, this means 2 hours in English, 2 hours in French, and 2 hours in Track.  When I woke up, I was definitely not excited to start the day. Its funny, because it was actually one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.

I got to school around 7:15 after saying goodbye to my Dad, who’s going to Florida for a week for business. I met up with Patrick and Jessica at the table we all meet at and talk about how much we hate mornings and hate school. Just kidding, we talk about other things too :).

I went into English class and we continued reading Oedipus The King for about an hour, then Ms. Baltrushes turned on this movie called Knighthood thats kind of good and kind of an awkward love story. She’s really deaf, so she had the volume up way too high. I sit in the front row and my ears were blasting at the fighting scenes. Eventually she got the hint when students started covering their ears and then she turned it down so low that you had to be really quiet to hear it. During class, this kid named Jake kept asking, “What is that smell?” And my friend Emma kept saying, “Something smells weird.” And I started to panic because I had salmon in my lunch bag leftover from the other day and I was worried that that was what the oder was. When I asked Emma if it smelled like fish after class she gave me a weird look and said no it smells like paint. So I guess it wasn’t the fish after all. I couldn’t smell anything. It was ironic how in French class we were reading a story and at one point the girl starts talking about poisson (fish). French was pretty average and boring. All of Madame Lee’s lessons are the same, but she’s a really sweet teacher. I feel bad for her because my class is the worst out of all her classes. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if she was stricter, but all her threats of detentions and taking away phones and things are pretty empty.

At lunch I met up with my friends in the Bio room. I made everyone Ebelskivers (Dutch pancakes) with raspberry jam in them. I don’t think they liked them though because after they tried them they didn’t really say anything. I wish they had been warm, thats when they taste the best.I was kind of scared to eat my salmon because I was worried it had gone bad but I ate it and didn’t through up. So.

All the real fun happened in Track. Everyone was supposed to head down to the beach. I knew I’d be walking down there but I actually wanted to run. I sprinted a little of the way there with Amanda before I gave up. I’m out of shape, but I don’t feel as tired as I used to when I was running. I think my iron is going up. I walked half of the way alone until I met up with Ariel, who had forgotten her track clothes. She’s really pretty. She has long dark hair and she wears a lot of makeup and always dresses nice. We were talking about make up and images and things like that. She’s never left the house without makeup. I told her I think she would look great with or without makeup. She said maybe someday she will. I hope she does. She really is naturally beautiful.

I think Amanda knows something up with Zarinna. Zarinna doesn’t really like Amanda. She didn’t in middle school either. Amanda’s trying hard to be as nice as possible to Zarinna so that they can become friends, but I don’t think Zarinna wants to be friends at all. She feels like Amanda steals me away from her and she feels like I act differently around her. She also doesn’t like it when Amanda interrupts her when she’s talking, which does tend to happen from time to time but sometimes Amanda just gets a little too excited. They are still pleasant to each other, but the distance is there. I’m trying hard to bring them together but Z has to meet me halfway at least. I love them both, they are just really different people with different views.

The beach was nice. I went up to my thighs in the water with Ariel, Alliyah, Betty, and a few other girls on the team. We walked back and I talked about classes and stuff with Alliyah, who’s a senior. I had my wallet with me in case I wanted to buy anything but I didn’t. I’m trying to save money and not spend it so that was a good thing. I felt so relaxed and happy at the beach. The water was freezing, but in a good way. I decided I want to learn how to surf this summer; I need to get over my fear of sharks. Besides, I live right by the beach so might as well surf as much as I can before I go a college that may not be near  the water at all.

I’ve been swimming everyday almost when I get home from school. I usually swim for about an hour to 45 minutes, the maximum has been 2 hours. Its so calming in the pool. I don’t have to think about anything. I just glide through the pool and swim laps or float on my back and stare at the clouds. I love swimming underwater when the pool pump is on when I’m surrounded by little bubbles. This is going to sound stupid but it feels kind of magical. And everything feels so much sharper and clearer once I’m out the water. Thats my happy place.

 

I didn’t write anything about “Secrets” I’ll have to explain that one later. It may or may not have to do with something Sam did. She’s done a lot of dumb things, but this one has got to be the stupidest. I can’t say anything to her about it, or Dad. I don’t really know what to do to be honest.